Welcome, one and all, to the incongruent ravings of an inferior mind!
Life does love to throw you low-blows.
I haven't written anything in quite a long time. Lately my life has turned into a strange maelstrom of great things and terrible burdens. It is strange how often those two seemingly very different things can be related.
"I have been as a stranger in a strange land."
Yes, I think that adaquetly covers my life up until recently. Living from day to day by the skin of my teeth, stricken with illness and thoughts of suicide, gobbling pills like if I sucked down enough I would win a prize. It is strange how detached from the rest of the universe one can find himself when stuck in those straits for as long as I have been; man is an island unto himself.
Now though, things are different. At least they are sometimes. After such a long time of misery, loneliness, and pain, even the sporadic solace I am now getting (very unexpectedly, I might add) is like a kindness specifically tailored for me by the gods.A Brief Interlude for Murder (Coffee).
My meditations of late have been filled with distraction. I have prayed to my God for release, and after a fashion I have gotten it, but I still deal daily with pain more potent and unrelenting than any I have ever felt. I am now almost out of medications, which means I get about three or four hours of peace every day, and it will remain so for the next 6 days. Still, there is solace, both in the fact that I am no longer always alone with my pain, and that the company of my solace does something to relieve my pain, and much to make me happy.
My head has been crushed by the hammer of unforeseen circumstance, and my heart has been pierced by a needle of golden light.
More frightening things than usual abound in these strange times...
So my doctor has given me a few new prescriptions, well, only two, actually. The first was dilaudid tablets, those of you who know of my exploits at the various emergency rooms I have visited will know that dilaudid is one of the most potent painkillers legally usable, essentially it is heroin, used for medicinal purposes. It is a mark of how worried my doctor is by my strange new symptoms (and a mark of how intense my pain is) that he gave me a prescription for six 4 milligram dilaudid tablets a day. I am supposed to take them two at a time, which means I get 8 milligrams of the drug in me at one go. If you know anything about narcotics, you'll know that the usual dosage of dilaudid is 5 milligrams, and it makes you as high as a kite. Of course, that is in it's liquid form, and it only lasts for like half an hour. In tablet form it is less intense, and it lasts for about 4 hours, but it is still the strongest painkiller legally prescribable by a doctor without a federal permission slip signed by a senator passed by a notary public.
It isn't powerful enough to give me much relief. That simple fact is very frightening. I have an appointment with my neurologist on friday, I am supposed to be getting more answers during that appointment, but I may just get more questions, and have to endure more tests.
The second prescription, which took me by surprise, as I didn't know such things could be prescribed, was my brand new ergnonomic four-legged cane. I was using this crappy wooden one for a couple of weeks, and it didn't provide anywhere near enough support, I fell down several times, each time causing my already mind-boggling pain to spike so much so that I almost passed out. I think I actually did pass out from it at one point, several other times, I vomited.
All in all I am having a really hard time of things nowadays. I hope when my answers come, they aren't the kinds of answers that would normally warrant this much pain. I hope, more desperately than I have ever hoped for anything, that it is just some simple, reparable nerve damage. Because if it isn't, I'm in for some trouble.
Goodnight, ladies and gents.