The Obscure

Welcome, one and all, to the incongruent ravings of an inferior mind!

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Hey everybody. I have the single worst headache that I have had in... three weeks. It's pretty damn bad.
I'm also watching "The Wedding Singer". It's a good movie, makes me laugh, makes me cry; makes me wince in pain as my every movement shoves hot lances through my brain and burns deep holes into my very existence.

I got nothing to say hea'.
I've been in high spirits lately. Three days running now 've been feelin' wicked fine. From this perspective, looking back, though--I realize how long I was stuck in a rut, dig? I mean I was really down and stuff for like 6 or 7 months. So this three day stretch here is a godsend. Who knows, maybe it'll last a while longer. I dunno. Anyway, talk to y'all later. Oh, and I been woiken on some comics. I'm just sayin' I been woiken, not sayin' I'ma do nuffin.

Monday, June 28, 2004

David Bowie- The Man Who Sold the World

We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

Oh no, not me
I never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World

I laughed and shook his hand, and made my way back home
I searched for form and land, for years and years I roamed

I gazed a gazely stare at all the millions here
We must have died alone, a long long time ago

Who knows? not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World

Hey everyone. Nobody is online right now, and I am uber awake. My brain is fried, I need some caffiene real bad. I might make a pot of coffee in a bit.
I don't have a whole lot to write about, I don't think anybody really reads them anymore anyway, being as the only comments I get are Taylor's accusations of homosexuality.
Here's a thing, I started summer school today. It was alright, not as abhorrent as I thought it would be.
Here's another thing, I got a job (not a real job, though) doing like odd jobs and yardwork for Terri (Smith? Pena? Smena? who knows!) a couple of days a week. It doesn't sound like much, I know, but she pays like ten bucks an hour, so I should have like fifty bucks a week or so for a while this summer. That's pretty cool, I think.
That's all I got. Y'all have a grand ol' day.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Parliament- Testify

Friends, inquisitive friends
Are asking me what's come over me
There's been a change (there's been a change)
And it's oh so plain to see

Love just walked in on me
And it's taken me by surprise
Happiness surrounds me
You can see it in my eyes

Now it was just a little while ago
My life was life was incomplete
I was down so doggone low
Had to look up at my feet

Don't you know that
I just wanna testify
What your love has done for me
I just wanna testify
What your love has done for me

Once I was a hollow man
In which a lonely heart did dwell
You know love came creeping upon me
Bringing life to an empty shell

Now I heard so many times before
That your love could be so bad
I just want to tell you people
It's the best love I ever had

Don't you know that
I just wanna testify
What your love has done for me
I just wanna testify
What your love has done for me

Ooh, ooh luscious
Sure been delicious to me

I just wanna testify
What your love has done for me

Hey everyone. I'm over my Older Sister's house right now, I am spending the night. Well, I would hope I am spending the night, being as it is quarter to four in the morning right now. I'm having a real good time, Keith (my brother in law) cooked a massive amount of food for dinner, and we played donkey kong, and Keith and I stayed up for hours playing Co-Op on Timesplitters 2, which is intoxicatingly fun. All in all, it was a fun night had by all.
I've been getting leisons on my skin. I know, it's an attractive subject. I don't know what it is though, like I get this weird rash on my hands from stress, that's kind of like poison ivy, right? But this isn't really like that, it's really weird. My theory is, I either have leprosy, or skin cancer. OR I am just having some really bad, oddly grouped acne. That would kinda blow.

I can't sleep at all tonight. I thought maybe breaking out of my house's routine would force sleep on me, but all it did was make me fall asleep from exhaustion at like 6, rudely doze for an hour and a half on Maria's couch, and then get up again and still be awake with my mind blazing at four in the morning.
I've been writing something. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I may just post it on my blog. It's long, and I sincerely doubt anyone will enjoy reading it; but I expect to get a lot of faux awe and admiration for it, otherwise my self-esteem will be sorely crushed. Come on, I'd do the same for you.

If only you guys knew what I thought about things that you say or that I think you think.
You know what I realized today? In the daily course of my life, I wish death on almost everyone I come in contact with. Not the people I actually know, that would be bad, but like.. if I'm at the store, and a guy doesn't look at me, I assume he is avoiding eye contact with me because he thinks I am loathsome. I then think things along the line of, "If I had a gun I'd show him who's loathsome." and things like that. It's like, God Forbid I should ever be given the means to frivolously take a life. I think the only difference between me and a serial killer is that I am too lazy to get up and do anything about my murderous, psychological urges.

Damn Man, I think I'm gonna try to go to sleep in a few minutes, right after this line of wonder and majesty.
Dude, I need some fweakin' booty. All up in my grill.
Anyway, talk to you all later. Goodnight! (morning, whatever)

Friday, June 25, 2004

Y'all be kinda quee'. I'm listening to Parliament again, I know, it's sad. But hearing Dr. Funkenstein's Supergroovalistic Prosifunkstication Soul Medley just now caused me to realize something incredible. The tune to this song is the background music to ToeJam and Earl! I think. I love that game, I think I'm gonna get it, somehow.
I only had one cup o' coffee this morning. My body is kind of falling apart, because I am so highly addicted to caffiene. I might make a pot in a little while, merely to make myself not... feel like this.
Yeah. I think I might just go to bed. Sweet sweet bed.

I check my E-Mail every day right? And I never have anything because people don't send me any E-Mail, so I get all excited when there is something in the inbox, I think, "Hey, someone actually does know I exist!" So today, I check my E-Mail, and there is a letter in the inbox, and again I think, "Hey, someone actually does know I exist!"
And it's ticketmaster, telling me to not forget about cher. And I think to myself, "Wow, Ticketmaster must care about me a lot, to remind me again and again like this. The fag."
It's funny how terrible I am, even at checking E-Mail.

Last night I had a dream that I was "getting intimate" with the Little Mermaid. I don't know precisely how it was supposed to work, but... well there it was.
And Tim and Taylor were Mermen, and they were swimming around looking at all the naked mermaid chicks and they got arrested. It was weird.

I'm so lonely man, I'm fallin' for a fish.
Nah, I got nothing else to say here, I just felt like doing an update but now Lauren E's meat is online so I gotta get off the computer and let her talk to him. G'bye all.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

I have nothing to do with the energy I have right now but to maybe go for a walk or to update my blog with unnecessary blog-ness. I love blog-ness, the blog-ness of blog-ness, and whitey always gonna hold me down.
I said hey babe, take a walk on the wild side.

I tell you man, every night I envision myself on so many different paths in life, I see myself as a revolutionary, as a writer, a politician, a scientist, a soldier, everything. There is no lifestyle that hasn't been tainted by my ghastly mental presence, does that not frighten you? Because it terrifies me.
Terrifies me to Love. Awww yeah.

Isaac Hayes took lessons from me, I taught him to jive, turkey. I am, for all intents and purposes, a Soul Man. I would like to see you try and disprove it, I learned to love before I could walk; and I'll kill the first person who says Nay.
Total Abject Destruction. My friends are death-fiends and shadows and I am constantly forced to beat them back into the supernatural world from whence they came. Check this out, I can bend Time and Space and your very mind to think that maybe I have touched the face of God or kissed the lips of the Evil One.
Check THIS out, I can pretend that all was cool for the years past; and that all will be cool for the years ahead. Pretend all I want, but it will always be a LIE!
Everything is a lie, even this goddamn flower pot. Always lying to me, staring at me with it's decietful eyes. If there is one thing I have learned from a lifetime of gardening and loving, it's that there is nothing in this world, be they flower pots, people, or yes, even spark plugs; it's that nothing in this world can be fully relied upon. To try and do so would be unfair to the flower pot (etc.) and you can then break it, or accidentally pour Ninja Turtles-esque ooze on it, turning it into an unstoppable force of Evil. EVIL!

There is so much evil, one even contemplates hijacking a nuclear missile and wiping out this shallow earth, filling the crater with corpses, kicking some dirt on them and moving on. Maybe if I tunneled into the moon and then sealed off the door I could "terraform" it, and then create an army of sexy robot ninjas to live and procreate with. Yes, that truly would be paradise. Robot Paradise. And isn't that what it's really all about?

I guess this blog update is over. Stab my eyes out, please.

Parliament- P.Funk (Wants To Get Funked Up)

Good evening.
Do not attempt to adjust your radio, there is nothing wrong.
We have taken control as to bring you this special show.
We will return it to you as soon as you are grooving.

Welcome to station WEFUNK, better known as We-Funk,
Or deeper still, the Mothership Connection.
Home of the extraterrestrial brothers,
Dealers of funky music.
P.Funk, uncut funk, The Bomb.

Coming to you directly from the Mothership
Top of the Chocolate Milky Way, 500,000 kilowatts of P.Funk-power.
So kick back, dig, while we do it to you in your eardrums.
And me? I'm known as Lollipop Man, alias the Long-Haired Sucker.
My motto is:

Make my funk the P.Funk
I want my funk uncut (make mine the P)
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up. (wants to get funked up)
I want the bomb,
I want the P.Funk (yeah)
I want my funk uncut. (make mine the P)
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up.

WEFUNK, y'all.
Now this is what I want you all to do:
If you got faults, defects or shortcomings,
You know, like arthritis, rheumatism or migraines,
Whatever part of your body it is,
I want you to lay it on your radio, let the vibes flow through.
Funk not only moves, it can re-move, dig?
The desired effect is what you get
When you improve your Interplanetary Funksmanship.
Sir Lollipop Man! Chocolate coated, freaky and and habit forming.
Doin' it to you in 3-D,
So groovy that I dig me.
Once upon a time called Now!
Somebody say, "Is there funk after death?"
I say, "Is Seven Up?"
Yeah, P.Funk!

Make my funk the P.Funk (uncut funk!)
I want my funk uncut (P.Funk!)
Make my funk the P.Funk (uncut)
I wants to get funked up.
I want the bomb,
I want the P.Funk
I want my funk uncut. (make mine the P)
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up.

Make my funk the P.Funk (make mine)
I want my funk uncut (the P)
Make my funk the P.Funk (hah!)
I wants to get funked up. (WEFUNK, y'all)
I want the bomb, (home of the bomb)
I want the P.Funk
I want my funk stepped on (Don't step on my funk)
Make my funk the P.Funk
Before I take it home

Yeah, I dig!
Let me put my sunglasses on.
That's the law around here, you got to wear your sunglasses.
So you can feel cool.
Gangster lean.
Y'all should dig my sun-rooftop.
Well, allright. Hey I was diggin' on y'alls funk for awhile.
Sounds like it got a three on it though, to me.
Then I was down south and I heard some funk with some main ingredients
Like Doobie Brothers, Blue Magic, David Bowie.
It was cool,
But can you imagine Doobie in your funk? Ho!
WEFUNK, we funk.

Make my funk the P.Funk (ho!)
I want my funk uncut (oh, make mine)
Make my funk the P.Funk (yeah)
I wants to get funked up.
I want the bomb,
I want the P.Funk (P.Funk, y'all)
Don't want my funk stepped on
Make my funk the P.Funk
(Home of the extraterrestrial brothers)
Before I take it home.

Gettin' deep.
Once upon a time called Right Now
Ain't it funky now
Far 'round
Hey, doin' it to ya in the earhole

Make my funk the P.Funk
I want my funk uncut (make mine the P)
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up. (I want the bomb)
I want the bomb,
I want the P.Funk
Don't want my funk stepped on
Make my funk the P.Funk
Before I take it home

We're not leavin' y'all, I want you all to stay tuned for Starchild
Make my funk the P.Funk
I want my funk uncut
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up.
I want the bomb,
I want the P.Funk
Don't want my funk stepped on (oh, make mine)
Make my funk the P.Funk (I wants to get funked up)
Before I take it home

Don't stop, get down
Blow your horn
Wants to get funked up
Well, allright!

Make my funk the P.Funk
I want my funk uncut
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up.
I want the bomb, (P.Funk)
I want the P.Funk
I want my funk uncut.
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up.

Make my funk the P.Funk
I want my funk uncut
Make my funk the P.Funk
I wants to get funked up.
I want the bomb,
I want the P.Funk
I want my funk uncut.
Make my funk the P.Funk
Before I take it home

Welcome to station WEFUNK, better known as We-Funk,
Or deeper still, the Mothership Connection.
Home of the extraterrestrial brothers,
Dealers of funky music.
P.Funk, uncut funk, The Bomb.

Lollipop Man here, alias the Long-Haired Sucker.
Chocolate coated, freaky and habit-forming
Coming to you in 3-D
So groovy that I dig me
Yeah! P.Funk!

That, ladies and gentlemen, is my entire personality and sense of humor in One Song.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Hey hey everybody. I had a horrible canker sore earlier, but I used Tim's infallible method of canker sore Get-Rid-Of-Tude and now it feels ok. And I had two cups of coffee and some Aleve so my headache aint really doin' nothing right now, and I got some food on the way and some pepsi in my hand. All in all, this is a good fweakin' morning.
Got Parliament in the background. It makes everything happy. Haha, it was awesome when I first got the tape at Strawberries, we (Chuck, Ryan, Taylor, and I) put it in the tape deck in Chuckie's car, and we were blaring it with the windows down and were all kinda tapping to it because it's just such fun music, and after about Ten minutes Chuck just goes, "Heh, Four white guys."
And we laughed. Because it truly was a funny thing, four white guys blaring P-Funk with the windows down driving through Middleboro. *sigh* fun times.

I gotta go to the mall later. I've been putting it off too much, I need to get my Mum's birthday present, it's been three days since her birthday already haha. God, I'm such a terrible son. It's not my fault though, my plans keep not working. Forgive me!

I went over Ryan's last night, we watched the Simpsons and stuff and were gonna have a crazy Star Wars marathon like I do sometimes but then we opted to watch Futurama, Family Guy, and Aqua Teen Hunger Force instead. Except I was hit with massive fatigue at about 10:30, and I don't remember a whole lot after that except on Futurama, they were superheroes. So I fell asleep roughly at 11, maybe, and woke up at like 10:30 or 11 this morning. I finally caught up on some sleep, which is cool.

Speaking of Sadism...

Alright, I guess this update is done, being as I have nothing more to say, except this one thing: I dunno if I should, but I've been contemplating joining the army. I mean I got a year to think about it and stuff, but still I've been really considering it. Comment with an opinion, if you got one.

Anyway, talk to y'all later, and Give Up the Funk.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Ugh. I feel kinda terrible. Just physically ill, my headaches have been so bad lately, just cause of stress, and my stomach hurts. I don't know why my stomach hurts. It just makes life feel a little more unbearable than usual.
Luckily, I'm at Ryan's house. This place never fails to cheer me up, it's a home away from home, I'll tell you that. I wanna make a cup o' coffee or something but Mrs. Engley doesn't allow caffiene after like 7 PM, because we always stay up late and keep her up and make it hard to get to work in the morning. Fascist.
I got this "best of parliament" cassette tape today, it's friggin awesome.
Do it in the earhole, baby.

I have no concept of Time, none at all. I can't remember anymore, what it felt like before now. Is that weird? I think it is. I forgot everything, I always forget everything.
Kisses. I turn my face to the rain. Every part of my life that I loved has involved rain in some way. It's really weird, it's just that Rain makes me feel a kind of silent solitude, and when you are with someone, friend or lover or family member or what have you, you become closer to them; or at least I do.

Ryan made a startling revelation to me the other day, it is a common superstition that the first person you watch Casablanca with you will Not Marry. It's funny, because that has held up in three of the break-ups in our group. We watched Casablanca with our girlfriends, and then they dumped us.
It's not actually funny at all, it's horribly depressing.

Anyway, I'll talk to y'all later. I got some comic stuff, but I'm not gonna promise to do anything with it, because I am an undedicated bastard.

You make me feel like a natural woman- Aretha Franklin

Looking out on the morning rain
I used to feel so uninspired
And when I knew I had to face another day
Lord, it made me feel so tired
Before the day I met you, life was so unkind
But you're the key to my peace of mind

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

When my soul was in the lost-and-found
You came along to claim it
I didn't know just what was wrong with me
Till your kiss helped me name it
Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for
And if I make you happy I don't need to do more

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

Oh, baby, what you've done to me
You make me feel so good inside
And I just want to be close to you
You make me feel so alive
You make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like
A natural woman

I've discovered the secret to my life, today. The secret, the reason I am alive, is this and this alone: I am on this Earth to hate all Earthly things.
I haven't yet attained the fullest level in my hatred, for I still love my family, and my friends, and my soda--precious, precious soda. Yes, there are still things I love, there are things in this world I do not despise. But I do believe I am well on my way, and I have lost a little more of the battle against the Hatred lately. I do not hate that which I once loved, I Hate all the surrounds it, including my love.

I was skinned alive, today. Every inch of skin was flayed from my body, and the strands of muscle tissue and tendon were peeled back, and I was told to relax as my spine was severed; I was told to envision a beautiful sunset as my eyes were gouged out my head. They pulled out my teeth, and used them to chew off my own fingers; and they made me EAT my fingers, and I swallowed.
Goodbye for the night, friends.

Monday, June 21, 2004

There but for the grace of God, go I.

Taylor's here right now, Tim was here earlier, and before that Ryan was here as well. First one out was Ryan, he left at eight thoity. Then Tim, Taylor, and I went for a walk. Went around the town for a little while and ended up at the college common, hung out by this giant clock thing for a while, looking at stars and shazz, leastwise I was. It was generally a good time had by all. It is surprising to me how quickly we can go from utter absurdity to complete, reverent silence. Maybe that was just the vibe I was picking up, I dunno.
Then we sauntered on home after going through the Burnell schoolyard, where my brain was viciously assaulted by painful memories from several different periods in my life, all of which I miss sorely.
We made it back home, and Tim left, and then Taylor and I sat around for a little while and drank some cola, and now I am updating my blog; as you may have gathered.

I'm feeling so low, so very low. On occasion I will peer out from under my rock to see if the sun has come up, and it is never there. All I get are the twinklings of stars in the blackness, to shine some small light on my world, but they are not enough to sustain me. I do wither. Daily do I wither. The blackness of blackness, the power of power, the sweetness of sweetness, and the sour of sour.
As a snake on my belly, I crawl. Flick my tongue out to taste the air, and I find it bitter. Goodnight, ladies. Good morrow, gentlemen.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Here Fellas, some doodles.

In the morning -- gonna get my things together.
Packing up and I'm leaving this place.
I don't believe you'll cry, there'll be a smile upon your face.

I didn't think how much you'd hurt me.
That's something that I laugh about.
Bring in the good times, baby.
And let the bad times out.

That old sun keeps on shining,
But someday it won't shine for you.
In the morning I'll be leaving.
I'll leave your mother too.

-Jethro Tull

I'm a sooooooul man, bwa da da, bwa da bwa da

Aw yeah baby, how y'all be doin? I'm doin Poifect. I'm chewing on a tack, listening to some music, and trying to organize my CDs and records and stuff, which is a pretty big task, considering that I really only actually DO something maybe once every ten minutes, and then go online and talk to people and dance to the music I am listening to.
Today is one of those days where you really hope nobody just drops by and Visits you out of the blue, because you look like an utter jackass.

I aint got nuffin to say here, so I'm gonna put up some El Lyricso..s

I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)

You're no good, heartbreaker
You're a liar and you're a cheat
I don't know why I let you do these things to me
My friends keep telling me you're no good

But they don't know that I'd leave you if I could
I guess I'm uptight but I'm stuck like glue

Cause I never, I never,
I never, no no
Loved a man the way that I, I love you

Some time ago I thought you should run out of fools
But I was so wrong you've got one you'll never lose
The way you treat me is a shame,
How could you hurt me so bad?

Baby you know that I'm the best thing that you ever had
Kiss me once again Don't you never say that we're through

Cause I never, I never,
I never, no no
Loved a man the way that I love you...

I can't sleep at night and I can't eat a bite
I guess Ill never be free Since I've got your hooks in me
I never loved a man the way that I love you

You're no good, heartbreaker
You're a liar and you're a cheat
I don't know why I let you do these things to me
My friends keep telling me you're no good

But they don't know that I'd leave you if I could...
Kiss me once again
Don't you never say that we're through
Cause I never, I never,
I never, no no
Loved a man the way that I love you...

See y'all later, and stazz.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Haha, I am despised! It's ok, I don't mind. Tim is here this morning, we are chillin and such. I am feeling good, though my hair is wet. I don't like having my hair wet; I'll probably utilize the atmospheric properties of my home-planet, Earth, and let the water evaporate from my silky strands.
Got some coffee here. It's been a tradition for... maybe the past two weeks that I've been up early enough (with school) or have been free (of school) to make a big pot of coffee and just drink the whole thing cup by cup before I do anything else for the day. It's so great because for the rest of the day I generally have the energy I need to do things. Drinking coffee and listening to jazz is my Yoga, it prepares me for the stresses of the day; in my Daily corrospondence... Y'know... With the Universe.
My room is an utter mess. But the rest of the house aint None-To-Clean either, so I think I'm going to just clean the house. I have a while today before I do anything, sprucing up a little bit would be somewhat appreciated.
My mom's birthday is tomorrow, on the same day as Father's Day. Woo! That means I have to be a good kid twice in a row, and I'm usually pretty bad at just doing it once. S'alright, I think I have an Idea of what it is I'm going to do.

I had a weird dream last night where my (female) history teacher kissed me in class, and then left a note on my desk reading, "I need you so much, John."
And then she had a heart attack when I rejected her (I was nice about it!) and I had to play a mouth-spoon-organ rendition of the buffalo springfield song that goes, "I think it's time we stop, children what's that sound, everybody look what's going dowwwwwn." to bring save her life; and I managed to play all the instruments in the song with my mouth-spoon-organ. I think my brain made up the mouth-spoon-organ thing, because it didn't seem very possible. Anyway, needless to say, I woke up really really having to go to the bathroom, so I did. Then me and Tim came home, and here we are. Tim's playing Mario (I think) and I'm listening to Sketches of Spain and updating my Blawg for you ingrate bastards.
I love Miles Davis.

Anyway, I think with that I shall leave you all, at least for the present. I was gonna play music with Taylor today, but my mom is busy and we don't have the van today so I wouldn't be able to get my drums to his house (don't get me wrong, I suck at drums) so that can't really woik. Sorry, Tee.
I and the Fellas were thinking of going to the Kingston Mall today, which oughtta be cool. Gotta call up Taylor now and then the Engleys, see what's up. I can guarantee Ryan isn't awake yet, that rat bastard.
See y'all later. Keep it real, keep it tight, keep it going on.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Bwahahaha, all is not well in goblin-town!
What the hell is wrong with me?

How y'all doing? I'm ok. Just woke up, nobody is online, so I think I may just go back to bed, there's nothing to do, you know? I'm gettin' pretty fed up here, but I don't know what I'm getting fed up with. It's just a feeling I've had for some time now that I cannot seem to shake.
I'm not liking it! Not liking it one bit! Not one bit do I like it! My bits are off liking elsewhere, at the present time; at which point whether or not the bits like it was scheduled to have been decided purely by a headcount of bits in attendance.
Yeah. You get it.

Anyway, I'll talk to you all later. I think I'll save updating for when I actually have something to talk about next time.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Pink Floyd- Echoes

Overhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air
And deep beneath the rolling waves
In labyrinths of coral caves
The echo of a distant tide
Comes willowing across the sand
And everything is green and submarine
And no one showed us to the land
And no one knows the wheres or whys
And something tries and starts to climb towards the light

Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me
And do I take you by the hand
and lead you through the land
And help me understand the best I can
And no one crosses there alive and no one speaks
And no one tries and no one flies around the sun

Now this is the day, you fall upon my waking eyes
Inviting and inciting me to rise
And through the window in the wall
Comes streaming in on sunlight wings
A million bright ambassadors of morning
And no one sings me lullabies
And no one makes me close my eyes
So I throw the windows wide
And call to you across the skies

That embodies my mood tonight, I think. I tried to write about a dozen blog entries, but I couldn't do it. So here you are.

Haha, Oh man. I sometimes feel so stupid, it's like... Man, I'm just stupid. Hey I'm gonna do a strip tonight and put it up somewhere, I don't know where, I'll link it though, maybe I'll resurrect Dancing Devil. We'll see.
Anyway, talk to y'all later.

the Cosmic Self, coping
steps back from his tumultous whirlpool;
caught up in maniacal laughter,
observes his macabre and terrifying visage--
reflected on the surface of the pool
in which he stands.

Burn it, you spawn of pigs,
burn it to char.
The Immortal You, scoffing
the Cosmic Self,
the two sides of humanity
the You and the Self
one day shall meet
in the forest of the shielded, startling, stares
destroy the one whom they both seek
and perish in each others' arms.

the Cosmic Self
the child, ever walking
straps himself into a rickety wooden chair
cuts his lips from his contorted face
and kisses them goodnight
with blood, and skin
and yellowed, dripping teeth

the Immortal You
the aloof critic, ever watching
stares through his sardonic window
and picks a rose for our trouble
sets it to flame;
hugs his knees and says, over and over
"It's not here now, it is away, far far away."

and the ticking clock, ever grinning
asks me in a sarcastic voice
if I ever really knew time
and I reply, in a quiet, hushed, and reverent tone
that I knew a girl who killed her child, still in the womb
a girl who crushed my childhood
he told me about my past,
about the things I never had
I told him about my future
about the things that I will never have.

the grinning clock knows the past
but I, my hands can point to only one number at a time
and my asymmetrical face is a poor timepiece
for the giant, who does own me
and no longer do I lay my golden eggs.

There is a place I can run to
when the world is too much
for my fragile mind to bear

Ask me If, and I'll tell you
that the world is too much
still, I'd rather be anywhere but there.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Hey hey all. Just woke up, got some coffee here and some... more coffee in the kitchen. I tell you, there is nothing better than the feeling of waking up, especially when you shaved yesterday, so it's like you just have this awesome feeling of absolutely NO obligations. It's great! I expect to sit around till 2 PM drinking coffee and drawing, and then I'll take a shower, and then maybe I will battle galactic alien warriors to decide the fate of the human race.
Yes, that was a great day for humanity.

The woman I'm thinking of, she
loved me all up
but I'm so down today

Man I love Neil Young, his sad songs make me... well, sad. But I like to listen to them when I am sad. Way to be sad, Saddo. My name is Saddo.

Alrighty, I guess I'll talk to you fellas later, by way of a later blog update. Seeya swazz.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

The other day I saw the end of Apocalypse Now. It was an awesome movie, one of my favorites, possibly.... number three on my list. Two is probably Spinal Tap, and One is the Usual Suspects. I think. I don't know though, I'm not much good with lists, everything is just "my favorite" when I think about it, and my lists are rarely in a set order, they are more of a hierarchy of my tastes, and they are interchangable. It's a King for a Day system amongst the five, and every now and again a lesser Favorite is promoted and one of the hierarchs goes back down to live with the peasants.
Yes, my mind is a system of unreliable feudalism, so what?

Let's see, let's see. Today was my last day of school, among other things I got a giant yellow latin stick, and a mix tape from Katie and Darcy. Apparently they make their friends tapes or mix cds at the end of the year. Or at least they did last year and this year. It's a weird tape, with a lot of different stuff on it. Pretty nice though *thumbs up*.

I have summer school, fo' sho. Now I am just trying to see if I have to take two things for summer school or if I have to retake history next year haha. It depends on my final exam grade, which I actually think I did OK on. I need four points on my final average to be able to take it for summer school, otherwise I'll need to retake it.

I have a theory. When you have to crap, you get depressed. Right? I mean, think about it, you can resist going to the bathroom for a long time before it becomes imperative, perhaps your body's natural defense is to make you sad, so that you lose the morale to fight against your impending bowel movement and go do it. Then your body rewards you by boosting your happiness level, and subconciously from then on when you are Sad you poop, keeping your body and prostate healthy. Eh? Makes sense, doesn't it?
I say this only because I was really sad earlier and then... you get the idea.

Yes, I do believe the blog update is over.
Oh yeah, and I wanna get the ELO album that has Mr. Blue Sky on it. Ryan, lend it to me, NOW!


Last night as I got home about a half past ten
There was the woman I thought I knew
In the arms of another man
I kept my cool, I ain't no fool
Let me tell you what happened then
I packed some clothes and I walked out
And I ain't going back again

So take a letter Maria (bwa da da da da), address it to my wife
(bwa bwa bwa, ba ba)
Say I won't be coming home (ba ba), gonna start a new life
(bwa ba bwa ba)
So take a letter Maria (bwa da da da da), address it to my wife
(bwa bwa bwa, ba ba)
Send a copy to my lawyer (ba ba), gotta start a new life
(bwa ba bwa ba)

You've been many things but most of all a good secretary to me
And it's times like this I feel you've always been close to me
Was I wrong to work nights to try to build a good life
All work and no play has just cost me a wife

So take a letter Maria (bwa da da da da), address it to my wife
(bwa bwa bwa, ba ba)
Say I won't be coming home (ba ba), gonna start a new life
(bwa ba bwa ba)
So take a letter Maria (bwa da da da da), address it to my wife
(bwa bwa bwa, ba ba)
Send a copy to my lawyer (ba ba), gotta start a new life
(bwa ba bwa ba)

When a man loves a woman it's hard to understand
That she would find more pleasure in the arms of another man
I never really noticed how sweet you are to me
It just so happens I'm free tonight
Would you like to have dinner with me

So take a letter Maria (bwa da da da da), address it to my wife
(bwa bwa bwa, ba ba)
Say I won't be coming home (ba ba), gonna start a new life
(bwa ba bwa ba)
So take a letter Maria (bwa da da da da), address it to my wife
(bwa bwa bwa, ba ba)
Send a copy to my lawyer (ba ba), gotta start a new life
(bwa ba bwa ba)

So take a letter Maria (bwa da da da da), address it to my wife
(bwa bwa bwa, ba ba)
Send a copy to my lawyer (ba ba), gotta start a new life
(bwa ba bwa ba)

Heh heh, Anyone who's heard that song gets it.

I was gonna update with this stupid "I'm so sad" post, when I realized that nobody cares and when I do that I sound like a hypocritical jackass. So, this is all the post you guys are getting for today. I know, it's terrible, but it's the best I can do.
I'm feelin' low. Real low. Talk to y'all later.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Neil Young- Helpless

There is a town in north Ontario,
With dream comfort memory to spare,
And in my mind
I still need a place to go,
All my changes were there.

Blue, blue windows behind the stars,
Yellow moon on the rise,
Big birds flying across the sky,
Throwing shadows on our eyes.
Leave us
Helpless, helpless, helpless

Baby can you hear me now?
The chains are locked
and tied across the door,
Baby, sing with me somehow.

Blue, blue windows behind the stars,
Yellow moon on the rise,
Big birds flying across the sky,
Throwing shadows on our eyes.
Leave us
Helpless, helpless, helpless.

Hey. My cat woke me up, it's 4 AM. Instead of trying to go back to sleep I drank some Pepsi because my throat hurt, and now sleep is no longer an option. Having just woken up has left me feeling very relaxed and thoughtful. I can look back on my life and feel no remorse, I can look back on my life with an observer's eye, and realize what a blessing it was to have joy even for those fleeting moments. I say from time to time that I haven't had a Happy Day in all my life; and it is true, I haven't. But I'll tell you, my friends, I have had countless happy seconds, and I have had a multitude of happy minutes. To not be thankful for the every time I've thought, "I could stay like this forever." would be blasphemy, would be a sin against God and a crime against humanity.
I do not regret one instant of my life. Not from the pain I feel now all the way back to the blood I shed while exiting the womb, do I wish I could take a second of my life back. Had I, in some wacky future context, the ability to travel time; I would go back for two things and two things only. To see Styx in concert, and to have a glass of "The New Coke". I would not change one minute of my life, even for the better. Even if I could avoid this pain I do feel now, I would not.
Among the many things I am feeling now, and this is actually not the largest, I am feeling a loss. I have lost both love and dignity; a painful bereavement, though one I can heal from. I am thankful for this, also, that I did have those things for that brief a time. Dare I call it a brief time? At my age it was almost an Eighth of my entire life-span.
I do believe I have lost a measure of sanity. Not as a fault of present romantic circumstance, but merely brought into light by such.
My world is a misinterpreted one, my world is a paranoid one, a lustful one. My world is a world of defined shapes and prose in every glance and thought. I take a stroll down the street and within the confines of my skull Entire Lives begin and end, civilizations rise up and are crushed down into dust. To allude to Plato's famed Wall of Shadows, my world would be neither the wall, nor the images distorted by shadow. My world would be the flame that casts the light, consuming and erratic. My world is a distorted fire, burning up thought and deed, prediction and fantasy, with every moment it stretches onward.
The confusion I feel now is overwhelming. A mind like my own cannot handle the strain even of basic social situations without lapsing into utter absurdity; imagine what a mind like my own does when presented with hurt or an unplanned white-space in it's grid. Imagine what a mind like my own does when left with no outlet for lust, for energy, even for affection. I crave to show affection to another, not even the other I have now lost, just someone else. I do believe the reason I was hurt so much recently was not the Love I had Lost, but the Change in my life that I am terrified of. Now that I have become accustomed again to this way of existing on one's own, I remember why I wanted a woman in the first place; and how I had gotten away from that in my dealings with the one I did have. The change was the thing that hurt. The Jilt though, that was fleeting. I do miss those sporadic Happy Minutes, but I can find them again in other ways; and I do not begrudge the rift I now feel, nor do I begrudge a search for new love on her part, or even on my own part, as that has again become a big portion of my life.

It is moments like these I am thankful for, moments like these that I think life truly IS for. When you can take a break and put down your burdens, drink a glass of water and look back and realize how far you have come. How far have I come, Dear Reader, since I would fantasize of death and assimilate myself into the dregs of society? How far have I come, since I feared to even Smile at a woman, and now I have the memories of countless kisses and deep discussion. How far have I come? I, who am the least of You. I, who have no firm grip on reality, no structure I can rely on. Look to me for your inspiration, I am a broken boy with a broken mind and a crushed spirit, and yet with my fractures and insecurities, with all my insanities and inanities, with all of my problems and clingings and skewed moral fibers, still I Have Happiness.
I understand more than anyone else, the inherent conflict there is in life. I have to say only that We are winning. I know how tempting it is for a human, to curl up in a ball of tears and woe, tell the World and whomever it is that tortures you, "You Win! I give up! I won't fight you anymore!" If I told you the number I have times I have done just that for days upon days, you would think I should be institutionalized. I understand the temptation, and therefore my advice is all the more meaningful, at least to myself. Our burdens are a blessing; to be given awareness, despite the cost, is a gift far greater than that any Man could bestow. The Gift even to feel Pain is so large that a mere mortal cannot wrap their mind around it; the Gift of awareness and aesthetic joys and emotion... those are ones I cannot even speak of without smiling. Daily I hear (and yes, even Voice) complaints against God and the World for the suffering We have gone through; but Nightly I give thanks and REJOICE, for there is no greater thing in all of creation than the mere Existence of a sentient mind, and we are blessed to BE THOSE MINDS. I complain of the depths of my mind, of it's fractures and of my supposed unstabilities, but think for a moment, I am blessed with the gift of an Entire Multiverse within the confines of my skull. There is a web in there, a complex free thinking web, and in the heart of it is my soul, sending out thoughts and signals through every thread of the web, and my every feeling is amplified by my soul, and my every thought is as deep and as poetic as the most beautiful sonnet and the most heavenly melody; not because my thoughts are beautiful (far from it) but because the ability to Think was given to me, my thoughts are given of Divinity. Complain?! COMPLAIN that I am accursed with my mind and my feeble pains?! I fall to the ground and Worship the God that bestowed my mind and my pain on me. An entire World of my experiences stems only from His Gift, and I have the audicity to Complain?
We human beings, with our presumptious natures, are too quick to think that we deserve this, that we should be given happiness freely. Be reminded hereafter, that we were created as a gift to the selves we would someday be. I was born so that Today, I could remember my childhood. I live today so that tomorrow I can remember this day, and it's predecessors. I did nothing for this immense gift, and to misinterpret it as a curse would be a sin against the Gift itself, would be a stain on the pretty, effiminate wrapping. To go from utter nothingness to a complete world of sights and colors and thoughts, to even be ALLOWED to have problems (for instance, my current constipation or my jilts and my crushes) is something so tremendous, yet so taken for granted. We rose up from ASHES. We were NOTHING. And in the place of Utter Nothingness, is now an entire society of unfettered individual souls? Does that amaze only me?

I have nothing else to write about. Were I more eloquent, I could sum up my feelings for this morning perhaps in better ways. Unfortunately, this was the best I could do. I'll proof-read it now, which is something I almost never do. I'm sure you'll appreciate that.
Good Morning, everyone.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Hey, I'm messin' with El Link-Section-o. Y'all keep it partyin' like you got it goin' on, you hea'? YOU HEA'? Smack it to me, slappin flappin deuce. I'm all out of ideas.

Hey hey everyone. I'm up, gosta go to church in maybe fifteen minutes. I'm feelin' pretty swell. I like days where I just go "screw it" and don't shower or shave. At least not till after church, when the unshowered-ness because unbearable for me.
I love coffee man.

Hey so I'm even more excited for the trip I'm taking. My destination is now decided in my mind as San Fransisco. And I'm going to go there and listen to "Sitting on the dock of the bay" and then come home. It'll be a righteous occasion.
Yeah that's all I got. I'm gonna write a whole lot on the trip, maybe do work on the book that I never actually work on. haha, I'm so undedicated to like everything.
Anywho, see y'all later.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

hey hey all, I'm at Taylor's at like Nine in the morning. He's still sleeping so I'm trying to type quietly. Nobody is online and it's pissing me off, cause I got nothing else to do.
I think I look my best in the morning, seriously. Don't ask me why, I just do.
Dang, I don't have anything to talk about. I need some coffee, like now. We'll see how it goes. Toodles!

Friday, June 11, 2004

Hey Guys, here's something I wrote about a week ago. It's stupid, but I like it and feel like posting it. I actually don't remember writing it, I just found it in my file hea'.

It’s one a.m. again, and I am here alone—a shining example of the chronically un-cool. Unpopular by choice, and lonely by consequence, once again I find myself writing to wear away at the long unfeeling hours of the night.
Been stuck in a rut, been stuck for quite some time, and it seems endless to me. There is no way out of this ditch, this hole I have dug for myself. I have delved too deep and I cannot climb back out again. My days are spent pretending, and my nights are spent in misery until sleep can overtake me again. I ache for the day when I can quit pretending, throw away my feeble façade and lay myself prostrate before that which can truly bring me happiness. Kisses; roses, covered in the morning dew. He has lost his way, has lost his time, he has no place in this land, in this life, or the next.
So say I, the man who has no path, the man who has no place to stay. I journey onward, ever-walking, never progressing. An endless spinning cycle of yellow and watery damnation, my tendrils stretch toward every far-reaching corner of the earth and sprout up from the ground, wrapping my spindly fingers around the tender white calves of young unsuspecting schoolgirls. They don’t know me, they don’t like me, love is beyond them, but lust does bind us.
The man, the addict, falling and ever flailing. I have found a new route to survival, and with it a more dangerous path to destruction. I crave gin, I crave the knife, I crave the release of the flesh.
I could teach them, you know, the way. I have an innate knowledge, cursed with uncontrollable lust, cursed with the knowledge to seduce and the weakness to be seduced by song and lilt. A sway beckons me, a smile calls me.
Thrown to the ground, I AWAKE. I have found this way, this path to self-destruction. I cannot understand the directions I have been given, I cannot understand the path my contemporaries have chosen. My own path, my own damnation, this is true entropy. Total apathy is the only survival I can find, to not care, to fling myself into the abyss of mindless sleep and lethargy, of torpor and ill-reputed laziness, sloth; tell me a reason why I shouldn’t give up? Why should I not break under the pressure of my fractured mind?
Nightly I find myself wandering for miles, fearing death with my every step, and craving death with each step I complete. Nightly I find myself writing for hours, slaughtering the English language with a thousand angry keystrokes. Nightly I find myself sticking words together, trying to find an outlet for the pressure in my brain.
I was born with an emotional concussion. My soul swells, ever increasing, within the tiny confines of my skull. It is like having my entire being within a vise. Squeezed tighter and tighter by the minute. I was born at a loss, I was born to a sadness. I have grown to live and love under a shadow of despair. That which I love is false, I love, I perceive love, but find only hatred.
Rage can overtake the body and hurl ones brains to mash against the wall. The wall is always before us, we can pass it only in death. To try to pass through the wall in life is to go mad. Jumping the gun, I realize I want not Death itself, but the touch of Pain.
Masochism, catharsis, macabre narcissistic delights. Cut through the flesh. I chew my own wrist to pieces, sucking the blood and sinew down my greedy throat. I chew my bone and swallow the marrow; spit out chunks to the dogs.
I am the great golden sea bass. I have been swimming in the cold depths of the ocean since the dawn of time. Daily, I hurl myself up from the surface of the water and swallow God down my gullet. Daily I lay my eggs, and civilizations are born.
Can he find it? Can he find the way to that which he seeks? Does he know he seeks it?
I for one do not know, I am a lonely traveler on this dusty dirt road I once did call a life. I am the Negro guitarist at the crossroads, I have made a deal with the devil, I am my own devil.
I know he who owns the universe. The inherent moral law to existence is that “If one does not love it, one must be prepared to leave it.”
I do not love existence, I love those who I come into contact with while existing. Therein lies the difference. Suicide would cut drastically into my social life.
The boy has typed for half an hour, let him sleep, he is weary.

Hey hey all. I'm at tim's house currently. I'm very cheerful today, my moods go up and down far too much, it's very confusing to me. Anyway, yeah I'm just amused lately. Fun stuff.

Trying to do my thing on Tim's iMac. This thing is really annoying to work with. It's all cool.

I love you all, thanks for standing by me when I've been a whiny bastard. Someday I will reimburse you with kisses and candy. Yes Ryan, even you. Just keep your damn hands off my radiator.

See y'all later.

Tim's stupid computer has no functioning clock. All is fixed now.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Yeah. I'm done, with all of this. It's strange, I have suffered so little. Yet one with a mind like mine, feels so much.
I'm sorry I'm such a bastard, dear reader. I've grown apart from You All in so many ways, I don't know who I am anymore. So forgive me, this is my apology to whomever reads this. I have become finally... fully disillusioned. It's a terrible thing, losing your grip on your childhood. I never really realized how fully it affects you, and how bad it feels, to know the truths behind the pictures I have always seen.
I used to crave experiences, so that I could be a writer, and be knowledgable about the world. Now I crave to be held in my mothers arms, till I fall asleep again.
Goodbye, again.

Haha. MAN. I got some crazy life. This is it, right now, everything is just amusing. All my problems and illusions and everything, god they are just so damn funny. Ooooh man. I've lost another screw in my brain tonight. So my bearing on life is altered, just enough for me to Crack Up with laughter. I'm such a bastard, haha. But this is just amusing, I get royally screwed on every end of things. And damn it, man, isn't laughing at your own misfortune what life is really all about?
I'll be seeing you again someday, my friends, and I will be bound and gagged like a rabid feral dog; and you will point and laugh at me, until I rip off my bonds and tear your chuckling throats out with my teeth.
Man I've lost my footing.

I am feeling very uncreative right now and I despise it. Simple things like blog updates are even beyond me. Did you read that sentence just then? It was terrible. A prime example of how right now, even my poor grammatical skills have failed me.
I'm as hungry as a man who has gone for a very long time without food, and is then presented no food when he realizes how empty his stomach is. I think we all know who I am talking about. That's right, Earl.
Earl should be spelt Rrrl. It's the same thing, dagbarnit.

I see no point to remaining alive. Is there a shutdown switch anywhere?

I tell you guys, I tell you. Man, it is some rough stuff, you know? Seriously, can't ever get a break. 'Specially in this day and age, what with all the hardships and STDs. I wonder why I am the way I am. Nobody can tell me. I feel almost like I have a grudge against my parents, for concieving me. When you think about it, all of this is their fault. If I hadnt've been born, I wouldn't be feeling the way I always feel. And I wouldn't make others feel the way I make them feel. Which would be a good thing all around, I think.
I hate myself. More than anything in the world I hate that my sentience was paired with this dumbass mind and hideous body. Does anyone else ever feel that way?
So long, farewell, to you my friends. Goodbye, for now, until we meet again.
I said so long, farewell to you my frieeeends. Goodbye, for now, until we meet again.
*tambourine rattle*

Screw it.

I don't have anything to say right now. My emotions have come full circle and now I am lonely and depressed again. I don't know what's up with me, fellas.

Hey the other day I was at Ryan's house with Tim. Me and Tim played the GREATEST GAME OF CHESS. EVER.
It was awesome. Alls I know is, I won. It was hilarious, though. For some reason the really delayed victory was very amusing.

Anyway, I'm gonna go cry and eat massive amounts of canned frosting in my pajamas. Good Day all.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Oh yeah, one quick thing here. In case y'all were wonderin', I actually figured out a way to pass this year. Cool deal. So if I manage to pass NEXT year I should actually graduate on schedule. Sweet shazz.

That my boy, is the sole reason why you are still alive.

See this guy over here, he's got a thing that he likes to do. I reccomend bridge of birds to anyone who likes reading or dislikes Not-reading.
Also, I'm almost out of soda.

This is the kind of post you put up when you have absolutely nothing to talk about, but less to actually do. You have to post to use up time but you have nothing to say.
I'm feeling very lonely today. Things aren't what they seem, though, things never are. Never has a thing been what it seems, for me. Things have always been something different than what they appear to be at first glance. I look to my left, there is a thing. This thing I think is one thing, and later it is made painfully clear that this thing is not the thing that I once thought it was. Redundancy, by twilight.

I don't know what I want, I don't know how to get it, I don't know if it exists or even if it's apparent lack of existence is reliable, I don't know where, what, or who I am. Let me ask you then, how am I supposed to know where to go?
I know nothing, and I presume to know everything. I pretend I am my own god, my own satan, my own heaven, my own hell, my own supporter and my own dependent and I am Lost here, in this world I created centuries ago, millenia ago, eons ago.
Trapped, trapped like a rat, like a dog. Like a boy with nothing to do, surrounded by intense heat. This is my speech, this is what I have to say. Do you get it? Because I don't. Another lives through me, I am but a puppet. A meat sock, with button eyes and a cottonball nose.

That's my brain today folks. Don't ask why, cause I honestly don't know. Talk to y'all later.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Hey hey everybody, I'm at Taylor's house. I'm pretty sho' the DSL at my house has now, fully, completely, and irrevocably been taken away from me so from now on I doubt I shall be updating more than just weekly or so, being as... you know, I'll have no internet access save that which I steal from my friends. It'll join the ranks of the things I mooch: Money, Love, Food, Soda, etc..etc.. and now this.
Taylor is currently doing a geometry project that I am "helping" with. He wanted me to use my cartooning "skills" to assist him in this massive geometry comic that he is making; I was supposed to do a lot of the drawing. Unfortunately I came here uber late as a fault of my mom's needs and my own lack of responsibility, and he had already finished drawing the majority of the strip. Our drawing style's differ enough now that it is difficult for us to collaborate on the El Constructiono of El Aforementioned-Comic-Strips-o. I am fluent in several languages. All of which are fictional.

My bitterness about current situations of which you are all aware has now entirely ceased to be. It's been coming to and fro, but as of now my only problems are those that come with having the brain I do, and not with losing the things I have now lost. So y'all can light a candle of joy fo' dat. Cause this is pretty sweet.

If I may quote the great street poet, Tim "Baron" Von Chubs, "Who let the Dogs out?!"

Have a good one chums, thank you for all the support I have recieved hitherto and that I will recieve hereafter.

PS. Taylor should be updating his Comic site with some Comics in a while, give it a check, he tells you in his own words. I know it's been a while but bear with him, he's Quee.

It seems once again my parents have decided to endanger whatever social standing I did have by allowing me to go online for half an hour tonight. It was at my request, but still.
You know what I hate? When you go into the bathroom, and you catch a look at yourself in the mirror and you think, "Man, I'm not entirely unattractive." you know? and you actually think for a fleeting second that you may in some form or fashion be 'attractive', and there is No Member of the Opposite Sex around to show off to. Except your mom, but that doesn't do anything for your self esteem, she's always gonna say you are "handsome" or "sharp" anyway.
God I'm a loser.
Posting lyrics to Harvest again. It embodies my mood so often, I'm sorry.
This goes out to all you lovers out there, keep on lovin' baby.

Neil Young- Harvest

Did I see you down
in a young girl's town
With your mother in so much pain?
I was almost there
at the top of the stairs
With her screamin' in the rain.

Did she wake you up
to tell you that
It was only a change of plan?
Dream up, dream up,
let me fill your cup
With the promise of a man.

Did I see you walking with the boys
Though it was not hand in hand?
And was some black face
in a lonely place
When you could understand?

Did she wake you up
to tell you that
It was only a change of plan?
Dream up, dream up,
let me fill your cup
With the promise of a man.

Will I see you give
more than I can take?
Will I only harvest some?
As the days fly past
will we lose our grasp
Or fuse it in the sun?

Did she wake you up
to tell you that
It was only a change of plan?
Dream up, dream up,
let me fill your cup
With the promise of a man.

Uh... that's all I got for now. Y'all have a fun night, y'hear? Gimme a comment or DIE I say, DIE!

Monday, June 07, 2004

Hey fellas. I got some Internet running again. and Taylors here, so that's cool. Uh.. I got nothing to say right now, I'm feeling kinda cheerful, I guess. Anyway, y'all be commenting.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Hey everyone. I'm... not doing so hot. I'm giving up, today, I'm going to bed for a while. I was supposed to do the SAT today, and I'm not gonna. Every time I have something good going in my life it screws me over, and I'm left worser for it; and I know now that I'll never be happy, that I've never truly been happy, I wasn't even happy before this small tragedy, I would still be depressed all the time. I'm not happy, and never was, and never will be, and there is as sure as hell NO POINT to trying to get happiness anymore; because it aint going to happen.
So to hell with it.
I'd say this is my last blog post, but I'd be lying, you all know that. Goodbye for the present.

Friday, June 04, 2004

To hell with it, I don't care.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Hey hey all. I was going to go to the NTCS graduation today, but then after some thought I decided not to. I'm sorry Kelly, I hope you aren't mad at me. Congratulations, though!

I did some cool drawings today. It was nice, you know, to get in the creative element once again. I've been kinda stagnant for a while artistically. I know I'm not great, you know? But it is something I love to do, and therefore even the slightest progress is a big joy to me.
Becca and Ben are done with driver's ed now. Which means that I'm no longer gonna have anything to do for that hour or so after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays before Tim comes over. I think Tim's probably sick of me anyway.
I don't want school to end. As much as I hate being there, and doing things, and dealing with all the people there; I don't want it to end. Not saying I wanna learn anything, not saying that it is actually any good, I'm just saying I need something to occupy my time, and I have no job and stuff. I have some stories, that I want to write, maybe I'll actually write them. I wish I could write dialogue, but it is beyond me.
*sigh* to hell with it.

I looked at my knee today. It has been hurting really badly lately, so I figured, "Hey, maybe I should give it a look." Man, I have this huge throbbing, swollen, pain-sack right under my knee-cap, it's terrifying.

My cat caught a mouse in my room today. I don't know how the mouse got in there, all I knows is, Zoe found it and began to beat the living crap out of it. It was positively horrifying, she broke it's hind legs and kept smacking it around and picking it up in her mouth and hurling it, and then just sitting there till it thought it was safe and then grabbing it again. I guess that's what they mean by "Playing cat 'n mouse". But God it was scary, my cute lil' kitty turned VICIOUS BLOODTHIRSTY KILLER.

I think I'm gonna start putting up some of the sketches that I draw all day on here, just link them off of photobucket, or something. Maybe not though, I dunno. They aren't that good, and they are usually like all... trying to be poetic and stuff when I am drawing lil' crumby cartoons haha, so it doesn't work too well. Ah well, if I draw something I like maybe I'll put it up here. Just a thought.

Ummm... I got nothing else to say here. Maybe later tonight I'll put up a picture I drew earlier that I kinda liked, it's just a pencilling.

Hey hey all, messed with the links a lil' more. Now Ryan and Cassie have individual blogs, so that's cool. Uh... yeah. See y'all later.

Past midnight baby, and I just read a couple years worth of online manga. I'm feeling discouraged in life, of late. I seem to lack direction, seem to lack motivation. This is something I've been told hundreds of times in the past, but it's only times like these when I know it to be truly true.
I am one of those people who can't seem to find a place in the world. The world is a childrens' toy, you know the ones. The boxes with shapes cut out of them, and you have to fit different shaped blocks into the correct hole. That box has a circle cut into it, a square, a rectangle, and a triangle; but look at me, I'm a twenty sided prism, there ain't no way in hell I'm going to fit into that goddamn little box. All through my life they've been trying to shave me down, whittle me to size so I can fit in the box. I know I'd be happier there, but I can not bring myself to do it. The box is not for me.
So where do I go? If this world were truly a child's play thing then I, the unused piece, would probably end up somewhere under the child's bed, hidden in the dark recesses and forgotten. What a pass for a life to come to, though, to be shoved away and forgotten. What a pass, say I, and I can not question it.
After all, it was I who put Me here.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Got it goin? I got it goin. I got it goin like I know who's on the inside lookin out, and who's on the outside lookin in.
We got it goin. All of us do.
There, in the street, a garroted man bleeds, a snarling wolf tears out his entrails, and he smiles, and pets the wolf's head.

Lookit me champ, I'm a mental cripple. Handicapped, I said, stab it. Stab it sideways, stab it like you just don't know.
Whoa brother, I've lost the tingling, I don't care anymore bout nothin.
Whoa sister, I've lost the feelin, I don't care anymore bout everythin.

Stack 'em up, roooooooll 'em out, you don't know why and 'ROUND HERE WE DON'T ASK WHY.
You lost it, baby. Lost it hard, lost it fast; lost it sideways, lost it like you just don't know.
Stab it again, I said, stab it, show 'im who's boss. Slap it to me, shack up with a frenchman, pussy. We are lost in this wild world and I got NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.
So STAB IT, bitch. Stab it SIDEWAYS. Stab it like you JUST DON'T KNOW.
but don't ask me for answers, stevie baby, just slam your letters down on the page
and call me Captain Shub-dee-rub, it's all in your interpretation.

It was clearly a Blue Team victory. The Blue Team represents sharing.

How y'all doing? I felt sick today so I left school early. Unfortunately my parents weren't home, so when I called I couldn't get anybody and get permission to leave school early. I left anyway. Then I went for a really long walk, in some direction I didn't know existed, and I ended up back at my house somehow two hours later. My legs hurt.

I found a PS2 memory card on the sidewalk. It's all beat up and gross lookin'. I think I'm gonna try to clean it up and see if it still works haha. My mom needs one, she's just using mine and it's annoying to have both of our games run on there. Don't ask me why, it just is, we keep accidentally saving over each other's games, and stuff.

You know what I have decided? People shouldn't tell you if you look sick, ever. Cause I was in school today and all I got was "John you look terrible." and, "Dear God John, I didn't know you had appendicitis! You should see a doctor." and all I say in reply to them is, "Pop shove it baby, crack it open and take a look inside, you'll see that what you want is feeling."... I'm actually on PCP.
Not really.
Seriously though, I just didn't get any coffee and everyone's like, "Hey queer!"

Big news everyone, I finally gave my friend Meg her lemon. I know, it's awesome. For a while whenever anybody is sad I'd say, "Cheer up chap, here's a lemon." and she held me to it, so today on the way to school I got her one. Fun fa-weakin times baby.

I think I'm gonna go play final fantasy four. Y'all have an awesome day now, y'hear?

If dancing to James Brown in your underwear and sunglasses while doing the dishes is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Around here we make our own fun. *thumbs up* I'm off for a rousing game of sleepsketball. GO BLUE TEAM!

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

This is what I've resorted to, in my boredom lately. God I'm so bored. I forgot, haha, how boring it was. Seriously, being unattached haha, is as boring as hell for me. Like I'm not complaining about bad feelings or whatever, that's not even in here, I'm not even feeling down, I'm just bored as hell! And it's not even cause of like a withdrawl or anything, now that I am back here, I remember what it was like when I was younger and not obligated. It's like, you don't got anything to do! It's not even loneliness, it's just, your bored, you can't fantasize, you can't call someone up, you aren't having any in depth online conversations. The most I can do is play a game or draw and I'm not feeling very artistic and I have a headache. So It's like... Haha, what am I supposed to be doing?
It's so familiar though, I hate it... but I kinda like it... a lot. I don't know why, don't ask me why. I'd rather not be here, but I like it anyway, I wish it wasn't like this... but on another level I'm glad it is. Anyway, here's a stupid picture I drew in paint out of my horrible chronic boredom.
Bad Love Baby

God have I nothing better to do than to sit here writing blog updates? Do I seriously have no better way to spend my time than to write dumb posts over and over, checking every ten minutes to see if I have new comments?
I maintain that I do not.

It is my contention, or at least it has been my contention since my consciousness has reached a high enough rank for me to be accepted in this cantankerous world as one competent to create a convoluted contention, that my contentions are usually contemptible, and therefore not very easy to contend with.
Fortunately I am content with that contention, and accept this immortal conundrum as my current state of affairs.
It is weird to be one of mind, soul, and body. It is weirder to have your mind, soul, and body be one such as Ours; Us of course being the bipedal mouth-breathers currently positioned at the frontlines of reason on this terrestrial ball. It is weirder still to be one such as us, and to think in a way that separates you from the rest. It is weirder even still when one does realize that none of Us are truly separated in thought from the rest. It is weirdest, when you forget that and feel isolated and ostracized.
There are some on this rock who do love a slice of cake, some who like a slice of pie. I prefer tea. Don't ask me why, cause I honestly don't know. I don't know why Pie and Cake are mutually exclusive, and I don't know why I personally would, if given the option, choose Tea as the ordained edible object of my pallete's peculiar disposition; I know only that I am a slave to the wills of my body, and must choose so solely for the flavor of it all.
There are some who'll go further to this end, choose say, light over dancing, rugs over cats, and again I cannot explain these urges. Just think for a moment on it, honestly consider what you personally would do if someone put before you a Barrel and a pair of Scissors and said, "Choose only ONE."
What would you choose?
I myself would choose the idea not presented, the one thing I would choose would be the option not to choose at all. Given the pair of scissors I would be deprived the barrel, and vica versa, t'other way round, and so forth and so on into eternity.
Taking the option not to choose, I am left with yet another choice, and in that find a flaw in the reasoning of whatever power hungry madman presented me with this choice to begin with; I now can choose whether to take both or neither.
Or can I?
Think about it further, would I then be left with the choice of choosing whether or not to choose whether to take both or neither over the choice of choosing one of the two? But then, I have the choice of whether or not to choose one of THOSE paths, which leaves me with yet another alley to explore.

We will fight that battle when we reach it. As of now, though... we must stop that madman before he kills us all.
He could be giving scissors into the hands of babies, barrels into the hands of Mighty Gorillas.
Dear God. Think of the destruction, the beautiful wanton waste.

Goodbye for the present, there is a monster inside my brain, and he craves Cake. Or is it Tea?

Did you ever notice how everything seems to fall apart at once? It's like, there is a disorder in our universe, but the disorder itself is orderly. Everyone I know has been stricken with blows lately, bar none. I myself have been caught between a rock and a hard place, and it is funny- I am left with no where to run to but God. Does that seem strange to you? Perhaps the whole of what has now left me behind was solely to rejuvenate my faith; for my faith was failing.
No, it was more than that.. Nonetheless it seems almost too convenient.

My deepest sympathies to all who have suffered recently, you know who you are. I do believe that is everyone who reads this at all, to be perfectly blunt.
I only hope you know what a comfort it is though, to be able to hang your troubles on the shoulders of Someone much bigger. I tried for too long to do that with someone who was not made for to handle it, nor deserved it; and now I have been shown through loss where I should turn for answers to my negligible problems.

Do you understand?

Haha, I'm sorry guys, next time I'll try to include everyone I know who has the internet.

Man, I was gonna go to Taylor's today but now my mum said I can't, and becca and ben just left so I have nothing to do at all.
I gotta go hang out with somebody. Ciao!


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