The Obscure

hey hey everyone, here I am, sitting around, at ryan's house. it's a party! Tim, and Kelly, and Jeff, and Ryan, obviously, are all here, and joe is on the way. um..I can't think of anything to write about, I'm just going to write my full galactor jedidiah funktasticman theory. hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! ahem, sorry, kelly wrote that, because she is a crazy mofo. ah, I forgot all the galactor jedidiah funktasticman stuff, so I am gonna wait till I can scan that picture I drew of him that I gave to taylor and then put a link to it, I find it hilarious. *sigh* I couldn't go to lauren's house today, so these guys will have to suffice. haha, girls are silly! well, I'm out, cya later.

Hey hey everyone, how are you today? I just got back from camping for the weekend, I am not forced to go to church on account of I am sleepy, dirty, and hungry. so I get to stay home alone all day! Woo! Unfortunately, all my friends are at church, so I have to sit around for a long time doing nothing. I realized that I hardly ever get to talk to kelly anymore, she's one of my best friends! Kelly, if you read this, email me, so I don't feel like an ass. I think I got poion ivy on my hands, OR my wierd spontaneous poison ivy-ish thing I get when I am nervous is coming on strong, I don't know why it would, I'm not nervous. What-evs. So I had that fun really long shower you are allowed to take after going camping, and cut myself shaving! stupid shaving, I don't know why I do it, it's not like my stubble is noticable, then I could be all cool and rugged like joe, NO! it's just itchy, and annoying. Ah well. Jeff and his girlfriend have been together for a year! WOOOOO!!! I was thinking about that, and me and lauren (I think) decided that we officialized the whole...thing we have, in like february, that doesn't seem wholly right, but maybe it is, and if so! then we have a six month marker in coming july. That's kinda cool, it doesn't seem that long by any means, or does it? I dunno, I actually can't now remember NOT feeling the way I do for lauren, even though I know I only actually met her like two years ago. Ah well I am rambling, I'm gonna call tim's house, and if that fails, I'm gonna call ryan's house, actually if it works I may call ryan's house too, I dunno. allrighty, I love you all.

(awesome name->) Mil Curass (haha, classic)

Hey everybody, my mind is full of things, I'm going to write them. I am pissed off at everything, I hate everything, everything in the world. The basis for this, is as follows, everyone thinks they know what they are talking about, even I do this, so no one can throw this in my face, everyone does it, and I hate them all, even me. You all think you know, you all think you are so smart and are too stubborn to give into anyone else's opinion, How can we be right? Our minds are finite! We are the equivalent of mindless sludge, oozing out of a car's ticking underbelly, sliding through cracks in the pavement, till we dry up and die! Why can't anyone just think about what they do?! why can't anyone realize that no matter how hard they try to do things "the correct way" they are just gonna get f*cked up again?! How are people who can see these flaws in humanity for what they are, live with themselves for not spreading the word? I am not pompous enough to declare myself so, I am as bad as the rest of Man, our whole social structure has been flushed down the proverbial toilet, and we still worry about how we look in front of our fellow infidels. Drink you drinks, do your drugs, have your fun, just know that in the end we will all get our just deserves, and the enlightened will burn like the rest of us.

Hey hey everyone, how are you? I was hanging out with lauren and the crew yesterday (tim, dave, ryan, joe, taylor, leah...wait maybe there was other people I'm going to stop listing them.). Was a load of fun. My lord she is gorgeous. *sigh* Helpless, am I. Farewell.

Ello ello, I am at daves with him (obviously) and joe. He is playing Ocarina of Time, or "oot" to us zelda...persons, who have played it before... Anywho! I had a pretty eventful day, and tomorrow is adding up to be equally, if not more, eventful. So all in all it will be, on the whole, and eventful WEEK. In it's entirety, who knows, it may be a long concentrated eventfulness FILLED month! I can only hope for as much, because until now my year has lacked a good portion of events that would have been greatly appreciated had they been present. I am one for events, I must say. ...God I live a boring life. welp, I'm out now, to prepare for events (quite eventful ones at that) yet to come!

hey everyone, I am at ryan's house right now. Him and his mom had to go to work, and they just let me and dave stay here, even though they aren't home, so we are listening to their extensive music collection and dave is playing Crash Bandicoot, Warped. I forgot how much I love this game. Music right now: The Replacements. Bitchin, I love them. Anywho, the whole current situation with me, leah moving and stuff, almost staying back, taylor's family strife, all of it, is causing me to..be depressed I guess. And when I feel anxious or stressed out, I get this crazy spontaneous poison ivy like stuff on my hands. I hate it!! Gah it's the worst, it's not even itchy it's just uncomfortable. Normally I'd fight this by hanging out with lauren and stuff, but she is in pensylvania for the week, and I am sad about it. I miss her, even though I feel quite effeminate saying so. *sigh* well, I am gonna go...do stuff, maybe. Cya later!!

Hey everyone, I have till late to do stuff. I don't much feel like writing right now though. I was just thinking a little while ago, I'm ruining my own life. It's true, little things I do, swallowing mouthwash, wearing clothes two (or five) days in a row, sleeping late, staying up late, failing school, making fun of people, I'm gonna end up face down in a gutter, all these little things are going to come together in some attack of mass destruction and...destroy me. Ah well, my problems are small. I love you all, I love you lauren. Taylor, my brother, keep it real.

Hello everyone. Click here, taylor. I love you man, I know for a fact that if you weren't around I'd be dead. Everyone keep taylor and his family in your prayers. thank you.

Whoa, blogger went wierd on me, so I have an entirely different update thingy, I hope it didn't screw up the site. Anyway, I came on here to tell you about the worst, most nightmarish dream I have ever had. Well, not really, not by a longshot, but it did freak me out, and my other scary dreams are far to insane for me to tell anyone, you'd institutionalize me. OK so what happened in the dream...

I was at a place that was some mixture between dave's house and the mall, and there was me, joe, dave, tim, lauren, and erin. For some reason Joe had drugs, haha, even though in real life joe is a (quite rare) NON-self-righteous straight edge. He had me hold on to it, cause I had a backpack. In real life I would have refused that haha, but in the dream I didn't, so I took them, then everyone except me, for some reason. So then! a cop came, and his dog smelled the drugs, and I got arrested. Right before my trial, a crazy street performer came up to me and lauren sitting outside of the courthouse, and said to lauren, "You will die in three weeks." We said, "what?" but he ran off cackling. We went into court and I was sentenced to prison for six weeks. Mind you, I somehow had to LIVE OUT 6 weeks in my dream. which SUCKED. So then I came home, without having any contact at all with anyone I knew outside of the prison for 6 weeks, and home was was different entirely. I go into "my house" and say hello to my whole family, then say, "Hey where is lauren?" They all get this wierd look and say, "Why? You've only got two more years anyway!" And I get confused, something nudges my leg, it's my cat, my cat tells me to go to the church, I thanked my cat for this information, and walked to the church. It looked about twnety feet away, but it was dark by the time I got there. I walked into the church kitchen, and saw that to get any further I needed to climb this ten foot rock wall. In front of the call I see erin (carriero) and nathaniel trying to climb up the wall, nathaniel falls and screams, apparently has broken his arm. Erin cries frantically for me to climb up and call 911, so I go to the side of the wall where for some reason row upon row of stone kitchen chairs have been put, I clamber over those, wondering why they didn't just do that to begin with, go upstairs and see Jackie, I tell her to call 911, and she says, "Right away!" I say, "wait, do you know where lauren is?" and she grins in the most vile way, it looks like her head will split in half, and she says in an unnatural sounding voice, without moving her mouth, "Why does it matter? You've only got two years left anyway!!" I run away in horror, only to find erin (walsh) I say to her, "hello erin, you gotta help me, wierd stuff is happening." She says, "How can I help john?" I am so gratified to hear this aptitude for helping that I give her a hug, thinking I have found myself a kindred spirit in this world of madness, "Have you seen lauren, what happened three weeks ago?!" she says, "Why, You've only got two years left anyway!!" I begin to cry, I have been forsaken, then I wake up, in prison once more, and see the horrible bloodshot eyes of a raving madman, right before he brings a broken glass bottle down on my throat.

That was my dream, I woke up right after, so I've had this wierd feeling, like this isn't the real world, for the whole day. *sigh* I'm so friggin insane. Oh well. cya later!

here is a crazy night writing of mine for you.

"I am a selfish bastard.
I know it, thought there are few else
Thinking myself somehow worthy of the
Angel's Embrace
It makes me sick
Changing face, philosophy
Living at the mercies of
Anxiety
Will I ever learn, the only road to life?
Total apathy.
Yet I have the audacity to proclaim,
'MY SOUL BURNS BRIGHTER!!'
I know this, not true
The fallicy, hurts my Eyes
My life, a clever palindrome
Always backpaddling to where
I
Began My End.
Flip forward to the end, again
An infant.
Covered in slime, screaming. A night on the town.
I love, I percieve love
But show hate
That which I percieve
May
Be
False

But still I try
and
Fake my ways
Hop over puddles of truth
Dodge raindrops of Earnest
To show myself would kill
To not...

Suicide.
When can I heal?
When can I escape the firy torrent of puke in which I endlessly spin?

Forgive me,
I am Sin."

I am so messed up man, that's all I got I was waiting for lauren to sign back on but I don't think she's gonna haha, seeya later.

hello everybody,I don't really have anything to talk about...huh. My mind was so full of creativity earlier today, I was gonna do some writing, but now my once fruitful day has been squandered on meaningless trivial bullplop. I really wish I was able enough to undertake the tasks I set for myself sometimes, all the writing and art work I want to do. I can do it, but it would take work, and I am chronically lazy, and I never feel well, I think I should go see a doctor, or a psychiatrist. I think not falling asleep till (on average) 1:30 in the morning and waking up (on average) 6:30 am, for four years, has worn me down to the point at which I cannot function as a normal human being. I really think I should get sleeping aids, or something, or some sort of coping mechanism to rid me of my anxieties so that sleep would come easier. but, I probably won't, there's no point really, what would I try and be healthy for? so I can work ok? I don't work anyway, even if I were in good health, I would be too lazy to work haha. What I need, is a little leprechaun, with one of those zappy stick things, that they drive bulls with, to sit on my shoulder and zap-stick me when ever I wasn't doing what I should. Yes, then I would get work done. I was looking back on my life a couple of nights ago, and I have realized that I have never fully been stable. I've had my lucid moments, yes, but I have always returned to my odd self, always scampering back to my differentiating views after tasting what was considered normal. So, I have deduced, after much thought, that I am perhaps not as insane as I once thought, but just very childish, with such niavete about things, social situations, pretty much everything, and I get so self concious and embarassed and paranoid, it's just like a five year old. It's settled, I'm not crazy, just 5. haha, welp, I'm gonna go now, cya later!

Hey hey, it is lauren's birthday party today. She's 16! I call her mrs. robinson. See i'm 15, get it? ah well, I just wanted to wish her a happy birthday, she's so damn cool. Ah well, I'm out, cya!

hey hey, guess what? I am upset. Want to ask me why? well, no need! I will tell you, This school year so far is a total waste. I hate it, I hate school. It's not that I CAN'T do it, it's just the way that they try and make us is impossible to deal with. If they just gave me a list of what I needed to learn, and five books, I could learn a supposed "year's" worth of stuff in a month. I'm not saying I'm smarter than anyone, it's just the way I do things. but they make me waste so much time and I get so bored and so lazy, I just can't function that way. Hopefully it'll be easier next year with dave at my school. The only way I can see it all working is as follows, 1. I pass biology, somehow, this year 2. I take geometry for summer school, if I didn't lose credit 3. I take english 10 as well as english 11 next year, and pass them flawlessly. Then I pass 12th grade in a normal way, but have to exceed, alot. and hopefully, with some good SAT scores, and some essays and such, I can get into a decent college, barring the almighty awesome power of the scholarship I COULD get from doing well on the mcas. Who knows? it's just depressing to realize that I am left so little option, I could choose to abandon it altogether, but it wouldn't be just me I'd be shortselling, My parents want me to go to college, they don't want me to go through the hardships they have, I've seen how this sort of thing plays in other peoples lives and I think, if I do it, I can pull it off! but I'm sure they thought the same thing. So I have to give in, once again, I have to again have my passion for living in it's rawest form, beaten down, and go with authority. Damn.