The Obscure

hey hey everyone. I'm a little depressed today, although I had a fantastic pair of days, last night I went to the mall, like I do so often, and with me went ben and taylor, and there who we were going to meet were lauren (hooray!) and amanda and her significant other, kenya, I have come to call him. And that was lot's of fun, and then that night, lauren slept over amandas, and I went home and for some reason couldn't sleep, like so many times before, and stayed up till about three, and finally fell asleep and had a wierd dream where I was on a boat and then I threw up (in the dream) I woke up at 7 this morning, and had to clean a lot of my house so that my mom wouldn't get on my case, because lauren was coming over today, then lauren came over and we went to my karate thing, that she wanted to go to, to see me and taylor duel, but we never dueled. and then we came home and hung out and tim called up and said that he would call me when kelly got there or something, but it turned out that kelly couldn't come anyway because her dad has pnuemonia and had to go to the hospital, keep her and her family in your prayers, if you pray, and in your best wishes, if you don't. so that kind of made us all slightly more sober. but on a personal level, I am still rather depressed, despite how things have seemingly gone well lately. I have no reason to be, I am just worried because my mom recently revealed to me her worries that I have rhuematoid athritis. If you don't know what that is, then know this, it's the disease that pretty much ruined my sisters life. it's like your joints age 50 years and just stay that way whilst your body is still working fine. My sister has to take like morphine pills for the pain. my mother said if I did have it, it was probably a mild case, but didn't eleborate on whether or not it's a progressive disease and if it will get worse in the future. luckily for me, when I get in this depressed, pensive state, I become kind of creative, and I have wrote many things lately, I have also found, much adding to my depression, that my drawing is lacking somewhat lately, I honed my few characters to where I like how they look alot, but now It's wicked hard to draw anything else. I tried last night and I couldn't do it very well at all. I think I just need to experiment more. but it's extremely depressing that the one thing I enjoy doing at all times in all places is now beginning to escape me, you know? I've been thinking, and I have my proof for god, or at least total fixation against evolution. here goes, IF LIFE WERE ACTUALLY AN ADAPTATION, AND WE WERE AS PERFECT AS BILLIONS OF YEARS OF ADAPTATION WOULD GET US, LIFE WOULD NOT SUCK THIS MUCH. Understand? think about it, if nature were a filter, and all the best got through, and the worst left behind, would everything be this bad? take teeth, teeth are a hassle, they are obsolete, we could just have a proboscis like a fly, we'd be better off. but no, we have teeth, and it makes life harder. why would we keep them? the majority of species on the planet don't have them, why would the most superior one have them? because we were made by god, and it would have worked if we were still perfect. BOOYEAH!I don't know, I'm beginning to...burn out on life again. things are once again beginning to seem unnecessary, I think it's just this new threat of illness perhaps. but I don't see any point to it anymore. why won't the world just let me rest? I'm so tired. if it wasn't for the current situation, I believe you all know, then I think I may just give up again. but I can't now, because I love the few times everything clicks into place. I live for those times, in the most literal sense. I just hope god doesn't let me live too long, because I am sick of it already. I love my life at times though, I have no REAL reason to be depressed, and I feel rather selfish just thinking this way. but that just makes it worse. well, I'm off to whatever I have to do, I love you all, you are what keep me from slipping. goodnight.