The Obscure

Hey. My cat woke me up, it's 4 AM. Instead of trying to go back to sleep I drank some Pepsi because my throat hurt, and now sleep is no longer an option. Having just woken up has left me feeling very relaxed and thoughtful. I can look back on my life and feel no remorse, I can look back on my life with an observer's eye, and realize what a blessing it was to have joy even for those fleeting moments. I say from time to time that I haven't had a Happy Day in all my life; and it is true, I haven't. But I'll tell you, my friends, I have had countless happy seconds, and I have had a multitude of happy minutes. To not be thankful for the every time I've thought, "I could stay like this forever." would be blasphemy, would be a sin against God and a crime against humanity.
I do not regret one instant of my life. Not from the pain I feel now all the way back to the blood I shed while exiting the womb, do I wish I could take a second of my life back. Had I, in some wacky future context, the ability to travel time; I would go back for two things and two things only. To see Styx in concert, and to have a glass of "The New Coke". I would not change one minute of my life, even for the better. Even if I could avoid this pain I do feel now, I would not.
Among the many things I am feeling now, and this is actually not the largest, I am feeling a loss. I have lost both love and dignity; a painful bereavement, though one I can heal from. I am thankful for this, also, that I did have those things for that brief a time. Dare I call it a brief time? At my age it was almost an Eighth of my entire life-span.
I do believe I have lost a measure of sanity. Not as a fault of present romantic circumstance, but merely brought into light by such.
My world is a misinterpreted one, my world is a paranoid one, a lustful one. My world is a world of defined shapes and prose in every glance and thought. I take a stroll down the street and within the confines of my skull Entire Lives begin and end, civilizations rise up and are crushed down into dust. To allude to Plato's famed Wall of Shadows, my world would be neither the wall, nor the images distorted by shadow. My world would be the flame that casts the light, consuming and erratic. My world is a distorted fire, burning up thought and deed, prediction and fantasy, with every moment it stretches onward.
The confusion I feel now is overwhelming. A mind like my own cannot handle the strain even of basic social situations without lapsing into utter absurdity; imagine what a mind like my own does when presented with hurt or an unplanned white-space in it's grid. Imagine what a mind like my own does when left with no outlet for lust, for energy, even for affection. I crave to show affection to another, not even the other I have now lost, just someone else. I do believe the reason I was hurt so much recently was not the Love I had Lost, but the Change in my life that I am terrified of. Now that I have become accustomed again to this way of existing on one's own, I remember why I wanted a woman in the first place; and how I had gotten away from that in my dealings with the one I did have. The change was the thing that hurt. The Jilt though, that was fleeting. I do miss those sporadic Happy Minutes, but I can find them again in other ways; and I do not begrudge the rift I now feel, nor do I begrudge a search for new love on her part, or even on my own part, as that has again become a big portion of my life.

It is moments like these I am thankful for, moments like these that I think life truly IS for. When you can take a break and put down your burdens, drink a glass of water and look back and realize how far you have come. How far have I come, Dear Reader, since I would fantasize of death and assimilate myself into the dregs of society? How far have I come, since I feared to even Smile at a woman, and now I have the memories of countless kisses and deep discussion. How far have I come? I, who am the least of You. I, who have no firm grip on reality, no structure I can rely on. Look to me for your inspiration, I am a broken boy with a broken mind and a crushed spirit, and yet with my fractures and insecurities, with all my insanities and inanities, with all of my problems and clingings and skewed moral fibers, still I Have Happiness.
I understand more than anyone else, the inherent conflict there is in life. I have to say only that We are winning. I know how tempting it is for a human, to curl up in a ball of tears and woe, tell the World and whomever it is that tortures you, "You Win! I give up! I won't fight you anymore!" If I told you the number I have times I have done just that for days upon days, you would think I should be institutionalized. I understand the temptation, and therefore my advice is all the more meaningful, at least to myself. Our burdens are a blessing; to be given awareness, despite the cost, is a gift far greater than that any Man could bestow. The Gift even to feel Pain is so large that a mere mortal cannot wrap their mind around it; the Gift of awareness and aesthetic joys and emotion... those are ones I cannot even speak of without smiling. Daily I hear (and yes, even Voice) complaints against God and the World for the suffering We have gone through; but Nightly I give thanks and REJOICE, for there is no greater thing in all of creation than the mere Existence of a sentient mind, and we are blessed to BE THOSE MINDS. I complain of the depths of my mind, of it's fractures and of my supposed unstabilities, but think for a moment, I am blessed with the gift of an Entire Multiverse within the confines of my skull. There is a web in there, a complex free thinking web, and in the heart of it is my soul, sending out thoughts and signals through every thread of the web, and my every feeling is amplified by my soul, and my every thought is as deep and as poetic as the most beautiful sonnet and the most heavenly melody; not because my thoughts are beautiful (far from it) but because the ability to Think was given to me, my thoughts are given of Divinity. Complain?! COMPLAIN that I am accursed with my mind and my feeble pains?! I fall to the ground and Worship the God that bestowed my mind and my pain on me. An entire World of my experiences stems only from His Gift, and I have the audicity to Complain?
We human beings, with our presumptious natures, are too quick to think that we deserve this, that we should be given happiness freely. Be reminded hereafter, that we were created as a gift to the selves we would someday be. I was born so that Today, I could remember my childhood. I live today so that tomorrow I can remember this day, and it's predecessors. I did nothing for this immense gift, and to misinterpret it as a curse would be a sin against the Gift itself, would be a stain on the pretty, effiminate wrapping. To go from utter nothingness to a complete world of sights and colors and thoughts, to even be ALLOWED to have problems (for instance, my current constipation or my jilts and my crushes) is something so tremendous, yet so taken for granted. We rose up from ASHES. We were NOTHING. And in the place of Utter Nothingness, is now an entire society of unfettered individual souls? Does that amaze only me?

I have nothing else to write about. Were I more eloquent, I could sum up my feelings for this morning perhaps in better ways. Unfortunately, this was the best I could do. I'll proof-read it now, which is something I almost never do. I'm sure you'll appreciate that.
Good Morning, everyone.