The Obscure

In every day of my life that I can now recall, I have never been able to speak with any kind of conviction about anything. In my earlier youth, I had developed something like convictions through argument, I would argue with people or imagine arguments with people and sharpen my mind that way, trying to defend a position I had adopted so that I could have a position to defend.
One of the things I used to argue about with myself or occasionally with others was the use of anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medications. Despite my constant crippling social anxiety I have always felt an aversion to the pills, on a personal level. On the grand scale I've always thought that somebody with issues who needs them should take them, but I myself have avoided them because I did not like the idea of altering my brain.
Lately I have come to think of that notion as idiotic. I am now on Lexapro. As to whether or not it will change my feelings, I am not sure.
Another thing I have always felt an aversion to is Education. Again, not on a grand scale; on a grand scale I believe that public education is a great thing, and it has brought humanity a long way considering the short time it has been set up, and that other stuff. But I have never been able to work in school, because I considered it an authority that I did not give my rights to. In any true Government, the Government would rule only with the people's consent, and I, as a human being, should not have had to go to school in my childhood because I did not give school my consent. Make sense? No? Oh well.
The point is, now that I am on the brink of leaving the public school system after years of trying to somehow spark an intellectual revolution against them by finding my education elsewhere, I've figured out that that really was not the best plan for attaining the level of knowledge and all around intelligent living that I have been craving. Despite myself, I have begun formulating plans to cut my losses and go to college. Given my SAT and MCAS scores, my family's current financial status, and, of course, my %50 Hispanic blood, I might be able to land some scholarships. As to where I would go, or what I would study, that remains to be seen, but at least it would be going somewhere, and doing something.
Happiness is a conscious decision, my friends. I told my little sister that once and I do not think she believed it, I do not think I even believed it, at the time. Lately, though, I have come to realize that it is true. If you sit around belly-aching about how sad you are, not doing anything with your time, reading Russian literature (or whatever it is you do), without any plans for anything, you will never feel, "Ok". That is really the only conclusion I have come to, over the past year of constant violent pondering.
Do not misinterpret this. This does not change how I feel, I am still sad and angry, and I still do not see any point to any of the trivial crap that we are supposed to do.
It is just that now I am going to DO some of the pointless trivial crap that I hate so very much; and I can't really explain why.

I apologize for the nature of this post, sometimes I cannot gather my thoughts unless I have a place to actually put them, and this is one of those occasions.
Good Morning, boyos and goils, I'm going to go get another cup of coffee.