The Obscure

Man, a guy can't get many breaks around here.
It has been a real long time since I have gotten any kind of writing done, at least four days, I'd say. I hate when that happens, it makes me feel like I am losing my grip on whatever it is that keeps my life rolling along. I can't even take any solace in the fact that I am writing right now, I am not doing it because I have any thoughts in my head, I haven't been thinking any kind of philosophical thoughts lately. I am only writing to escape the boredom and angst that constantly haunts me, waving their ghostly tentacles in front of my eyes and obscuring my vision.
I just realized something. It's weird, and it's annoyingly simple, but it is a realization, and I am going to write a few words about it.
Erin asked me a while ago, why I always think that I am ugly and stuff. I didn't really have an answer for her. The truth is, I don't know how to judge my looks, I don't know what a handsome man looks like, I don't think I ever will. I can't judge my friends' level of physical attractiveness, I just figure that they are all nice guys, so in my head they are all the pinnacle of male sexuality. That seems to make sense to me!
My self-loathing extends beyong the physical, though. I think my personality is abhorrent, I think I am unintelligent and I think sometimes the fact that I like to read books and that some people have told me that somehow I am a brain has made me occasionally pompous; and pomposity is, in my mind, one of the most obnoxious of character traits. Mind you, I try to avoid pomposity whenever possible, but... well, I don't even have anything to add to that.
The point is, the reason I don't like my looks and the reason I think I am such an awful, disgusting, obnoxious, perverted, pompous, and all-around unappealing bastard is that I do not like myself. I spend 24 hours a day with myself and I despise it. You know how sometimes you can think someone is good-looking, but then you get to know them and they are assholes and then you think they are ugly? It's like that. I know myself so well and I put such a bad spin on everything about me that I have come to think of my entire being as distasteful.
That's all. As I said, it was annoyingly obvious, but that idea just popped into my head and I needed something to write about so... there you go.

I baked 1200 cookies today. It only took me 5 and a half hours. In response to this, I have decided that I have become a pretty efficient baker, I like my job and I like my co-workers, and a thirty hour week isn't that bad, I don't think, so I think I'll keep it up. 30 hours a week'll get me a 400-some odd check every two weeks, which is pretty good methinks. Right now I've got 64 hours put away, I don't know how much that'll add up to, but it should be enough to tide me over for a while. Even after the car payment and what I owe my mom, I still got like 180.
I had a headache, but I am trying to cut back on my perk intake because... well, just because. So I've decided not to take it for a week or so. I took some fioricet for the headache, so now I'm all sleepy and woozy. Lousy fioricet.

A few months is all I have left, my friends. I don't know exactly what I am going to do when I have earned freedom, I'll probably continue working and saving for a while, but I'm not going to work there forever. All I know is, everything in my life is going to change, I don't know if it will change for the better or for the worse, all I know is that it will be a welcome change, because I am bored with work and school and everything. I am going to write a lot of introspective "don't have plans for the future" crap now, so if you aren't into that, skip ahead a few paragraphs.
I really don't have any plans for what I am going to do with my life, and it's beginning to worry me a bit. Well, "worry me a bit" isn't exactly truthful, I don't care very much at all, but I feel like I should care. It feels like not caring is a problem, but I don't know how to solve it.
For a while I was thinking about biting the bullet and going to college, but I don't think I want to do that. As disappointing as it may be for my parents, I just don't have the zest for learning that they have. I'm not as smart as any of my family, I don't have any talent or ambition, all I want to do is get a place, write, draw, work, sleep, and eat. Maybe have a cat, that would be pretty cool. As far as my relationships with my friends and things are concerned, I have no idea how they are going to turn out. I mean, if my "plan" works out right, I'm gonna be in and out of the state a lot anyway. (My "plan" is to drive around the country aimlessly and write a lot, and sleep in the bed of my truck. Yeah, good planning, huh?) Chances are that won't pan out, and I'll just end up taking a small aparment in like Brockton and working at Veronica's, trying to get short stories published in magazines and getting halfway through comics and then throwing them out all the time like I do now. Then I'll die. Then I will get married and have kids. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm scared of getting married and having kids, too. If I don't go to college, I'm never going to be able to afford to support a family. I'd barely afford to support myself if I had the job I have now. I shouldn't even think about that, though, it is not a pressing issue by any means.
Anyway, I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I thought about trying to conquer my fear of the ocean and join the merchant marine. I mean, I'd get to visit different countries and have a little excitement in my life, but who knows how that would work out? Especially in these turbulent times, I'd probably end up getting shot or having some long, drawn out, Crusoe-esque misadventure that would end in tragedy when I am felled by a piece of shrapnel in a freak coconut explosion.
I fully expect that to happen, I really hope that is how I die.

Anyway, I know when I said, "Skip ahead a few paragraphs." I implied that there would be more to this, but I am tired, the fioricet has made me drowsy, so I am going to go to sleep. Goodnight, ladies and gents, thank you for your time.
Edit
I found a typo in here, and then I fixed it! If you can find the one I fixed, and I have no idea how you would, you win the ultimate prize of your own self-satisfaction.