The Obscure

I cannot bring myself to feel anything right now.
Right now, that is. I feel all kinds of things at all other times, but tonight all I have is this deep numbness that refuses to go away. I got my percocet script refilled, and I am listening to a New York Dolls album that I borrowed from Chuck. On the surface everything appears to be fine, but I am thinking no thoughts, I am feeling no emotions. Were it not for the fact that I am supposed to clean the house tonight, I'd probably just go up on my roof for the next four or five hours and stare. I love it up on the roof.
This lithium is freaking me out, I'm not used to feeling emotions at this level. I think it is just the way normal people feel things, but I usually only feel really burdened and sad about nothing I can name. The lithium is changing that, I can feel it. Love and joy and all kinds of things, and there is sadness too, but it is a new sadness, a sharper sadness. Not the dull weight of inexplicable sorrow that has pressed down on me for all these years, but a deep, cutting sadness that makes me want to cry. It is grief for my uncle, whom I know I have spoken too much of and for that I apologize, but it is also other things. Embarassment, shame... somehow they materialize and contribute to this sadness. I am thankful that I can feel the good things, and for some reason, I am also thankful that I can now feel the bad. I can kind of understand what it's like to be a normal human being now, and even that small insight makes me feel like more of a human myself.
I've spent my entire life thinking of myself as strange, not "one of you." But at least now I know how it feels to be a person. It's strange to realize that I never knew how that felt before, during all of my 18 years on this planet.

I have to go clean my house now, and I got work tomorrow, goodnight ladies and gentlemen.

*Additions*
Man, it is now about 5 a.m. I've been cleaning all night and the house now looks pretty good, methinks. I tried to get some sleep but I couldn't without the aid of pills, and seeing as I have to work tomorrow morning, I can't take those pills, I wouldn't be able to wake back up in time.
Man, I wish everything could just fall into place so I could be comfortable with my life. I'm not depressed anymore, I'm just feeling all this other stuff, and bad things keep happening to me, like stupid car accidents and... diseases. I wish that for just a little while, everything just worked like it was supposed to. I wish that I had the confidence to fix my problems for myself, and I wish that I had less problems than I do so I wouldn't need quite so much confidence. I wish a lot of things, but as no one has ever actually said to me, "If wishes were fishes we'd all cast nets."
And I suppose that is true, there is no point dwelling on the fact that I don't make enough money to support even my meager needs, there is no point dwelling on my illness or my hatred of my own writings (allegory, I am Gollum, writing is the One Ring. I both hate and love writing, and at all times I am consumed by it.) Ah well, at least I am not a pompous asshole who thinks he can write and can't. I'm a pompous asshole who thinks he CAN'T write, and can't; and that makes all the difference.
Today (or actually not today, I think it's the twelfth. Katie knows, she remembers dates better than I do, even when it is the birthday of my own nephew) is Sammy's birthday, or his party, at least. We got him presents. Actually, I didn't get him a present. I am broke. What I have done is some prelimenary sketches for a painting I am going to do for him, I think I am going to use that old jazzy, pastel, french curvey style that everyone digs, maybe ol' Miley Daves playin' with the band. You know the kind, it's not black and white, but it almost is, there is only colour in certain things, like the horns or parts of the face. I want Sammy to be a jazz musician. He has music in his blood, Keith plays guitar. And he looooooooves "Kind of Blue" by Miles Davis. It makes him stop crying, it can put him to sleep. I gave him a tape of it because when he was at my house for a while and I had to watch him one night I put it on and he liked it. He likes P-Funk, too. We'd dance with him to it. Ahhh, I bet everyone thinks their new family baby is the greatest. But everyone else is wrong, because my new family baby is the greatest. The rest of you can shove it.
He can talk a bit now, and everything. I can't wait to see him, exhausted as I may be. I'll just keep downin' coffee and stuff so that I can remain awake. Of course, this lack of sleep will make my head kill, and my doctor cut my prescription in half this month for some reason. (Actually I know the reason, he doesn't want me to become an addict) It's cool though, I can work with 60 percocets over a month. It'll be tricky but I can pull it off. And Lena will probably have extra vicadyns once her foot heals some.
I wish I had some energy, I was supposed to vacuum, but I can barely stand up. I have to go to work in like four hours, that's going to be hell. But I am committed, and I need the bread, you know?
Egh, I think I'm gonna go try and sleep some more. The problem is I am thinking too much about some stuff, I have to clear my mind, dig? If I can't sleep after like 45 minutes, I'll probably come back here and torture you all with more of my terrible writing.