The Obscure

Well I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer...

I didn't really, I woke up this morning and I got myself some shoes so that I might bolt out of the house as quickly as possible, seeing as I was late and all. I've been developing an obsession with the Doors, lately. Just some of their stuff, not the songs that seem like a ten percent music and one-hundred and thirty percent Jim Morrison's poetry, just the ones that are fast. They make me drive fast. I like music that makes me drive fast. The Roadhouse Blues is one of those.
I took my sleeping pills early tonight because I wanted to crash early, but then I got caught up in this book and forgot to try to sleep until about quarter past midnight. Then I was laying there for about half an hour, and there were too many thoughts going through my head about too many things, so I just popped another sleeping pill (I hope I don't die! They are actually blood pressure pills, after all.) and figured I'd write until I felt like my brain could quiet down a little bit and allow me to sleep.
Being on lithium is kind of a mixed blessing. I'm not depressed, and I'm feeling all kinds of good emotions, and I love that; but at the same time, I'm feeling all the emotions that made me depressed in the first place, and the drug won't let me block them out and turn them into that giant weight that I had before I went on it to begin with. I assume if I went off of it I could do that, but I kind of prefer feeling my pain for real to just feeling this odd sensation that I am carrying some kind of unbearable weight in my heart and eventually I'm going to snap. I can grieve now, I can... I can understand why it hurts so much to be the way I am. That is a terrible thing, but it is also a beautiful thing. Because as much as it hurts, I've found that I love being who I am, I wouldn't give it up for the world; but when you are depressed, you can't see that, all you can see is the part that hurts, and all you can think about is escaping from that hurt. I think if I deal with the pain long enough I will overcome it, the emotional pain anyway. My parents did, my older sister did, and I think I can, and I think Elena can. We are a strange family, none of us are remotely normal. I think I love that, too.

The other day I was sitting ouside of work, having a cigarette (I really am quitting, I am smoking less and less every day, tomorrow is the day I have none at all) and I saw this kid and his dad throwing a football back and forth in the parking lot next-door. I was reminded of how I could have been a pretty good football player in high-school, if I didn't live in total apathy at the time, and if my parents didn't put such emphasis on scholarly pursuits (which is definitely not a bad thing, I don't know if I would like myself so well if I wasn't so into books). I remember that I was really good at it in gym class, I could throw pretty well, I could catch pretty well, but mainly, man, I could just run the damn ball in. They could hand the ball off to me and I'd have a touchdown before the other team even knew where I was. I think I'm going to start running, just like half a mile or a mile in the mornings or something; because I used to be fast. I think when I hopefully get into college I am going to try out for the football team, I remember I used to love to play, maybe I can get that part of my childhod back, maybe it isn't all gone, you know?

I feel like I did when I was a little kid, it's so strange. Maybe it's just the fact that I haven't really felt any emotions for real in a long time, but right now I'm just like a little kid, I really am. I can be as happy as hell, grinning my head off, for no reason at all, for hours at a time. I can feel strong surges of love, out of nowhere, for no reason at all, for any of my friends or family. I can be sadder than I can remember being in years, over things that shouldn't really make me that sad, like a little kid who has broken a toy, and then start grinning my head off again at the drop of a hat. Maybe when the newness wears off my emotions will settle down, but it's kind of fun for me right now, even though it's slightly unnatural. I wish there was a way I could properly explain it, but I guess there isn't, really. That's ok, though, I'm sure you guys got my point.
Anyway, all I am saying is, I am enjoying not being enormously depressed. I had an emotional breakdown the other night, I think that is just because the emotions I'm feeling right now are so sharp. Other than that, though, everything is pretty peachy-keen. If I wasn't so stressed out at my job I'd be a bit happier, but that's alright, we all have to make a living.
I'm thinking about things more now, too. Thinking about philosophies, my opinions, people I know, stuff I care about, stuff I don't care about but should. My mind is switched on in a way it hasn't been in years. It's great stuff.
I'm sorry to go on at such great lengths about this, it is just a very new thing for me. I've been crushed by depression since at least the seventh grade, to be relieved of it now is like... it feels like I've spent my entire life wearing a backpack filled with bricks, and I just took it off. I think that pretty much sums it up.

Now if only I could get rid of these damned headaches.