Welcome, one and all, to the incongruent ravings of an inferior mind!
So I applied for disability today. Fuck me, it feels like I lost some kind of a war. But I have come to the realization that, if my headaches are bad enough now to warrant (at least) monthly trips to the emergency room, and they suck away enough energy that I have about half an hour a day in which I can do anything besides lie in my bed and watch that mind-sucking thing I love so much that they call a television, it would be damn near impossible for me to hold any kind of job. I don't know how I lasted as long as I did with the job I had.
At least I will have some money coming in (god-willing, there is a good chance that I won't get accepted. I could always appeal though.) if this follows through. It just makes me feel really weak, you know? I had to swallow quite a bit of pride to make that phone call, and I am going to have to swallow a great deal more when they call me back to get all the information on my disability. Luckily, I'm pretty sure my mind will be completely wiped out by pain when they call back, my phone appointment is two days before my percocet refill, and they way my headaches have been, I have me running out of percocet some 6 days before my refill. Of course, after I "run-out" I will still have the 5 percocets I gave to my mom to dole out to me one at a time, but I am going to avoid using those as much as possible. But the point of the matter is, if my mind is wiped out by pain, I will just be rattling off the information they want without much thought for what I am doing, hence I won't be thinking of pride, at the time.
It's a hard fucking thing to swallow though, that I am so physically weak now that I couldn't even sit on a stool and say, "How may I help you?" and "Thank you, have a nice day."
For those of you who are reading this, my close friends and family and all, that is the reason I have been so isolated lately. It's not that I don't want to see anybody, or that I am too depressed to go out of the house, it's the headaches. Recently they have hit a peak that I couldn't even fathom before. I thought they were bad before, right now the pain is so bad that I could take ten percocets and three phenergans and I'd still have a bright flare of pain behind my left eye. I just can't do anything except lie in bed, and occasionally come out of my room (out of sheer boredom) and have conversations with my family. I see Tim and Erin on Sundays after church, but half (actually, almost all) the time I can't sit all the way through church, they lights are too bright and the sounds are too loud. Then they come over, and that half an hour of energy I have is quickly spent and then I just kind of lie there like a slug, and then Tim leaves, and Erin usually stays late, and I don't have the strength to do anything but make small conversation.
So, friends and countrymen, please don't take offense at my frequent absence. I am sorry I couldn't go to your party, Darcy. I am just in a very bad way right now. Only physically, too. Mentally I'm alright, occasional suicidal thoughts aside. I'm on this new drug that seems to be doing a job on that. But physically I just can't fucking do anything.
Which brings me back to my original point, I finally realized that I just can't do anything,
and now I am trying to get disability. Apparently since I live with my parents, if they accept me then I'll only get two thirds of what I would normally get, federally. Which means I will get about 401 dollars a month from the federal government. I don't know what I would get from the state government. If I lived on my own they'd give me something like 109 dollars, but it doesn't say what they'd give me (if anything) living in my parents home. A hundred dollars a week, essentially. Well, 50 dollars a week, after I pay car insurance.
I think I might trade in my truck for a motorcycle, or maye just a smaller, more fuel efficient car (that is legal to drive). I'd like a motorcycle, though, I'd like that very much. Keith brought up the point about what I'd do with it in the winter. I guess maybe I'd drive my parents car in the winter or something, I don't know. That's why I was thinking about getting a smaller car instead. Ah well, who cares, I have a car now, and it kind of runs. I need to change the oil and the transmission fluid though (it's a standard, but it has a hydraulic clutch, so it still needs transmission fluid).
That's all I have to write right now, I suppose. All that I want to write on a public place, anyway. Good morning, America, "The Land of the Free," heh.
Oh yeah, I did my assessment test thing at school, and I got a course book. I think I shall major in English and minor in Russian Studies. The Russian Studies minor is all the Russian courses I would want to take, anyway. So that is cool, and the English Department is fucking HUGE. I got very excited when I saw some of the classes, I really can't wait to take them, which is a new feeling for me, because usually I hate classes and things of that sort. But the campus is beautiful, the courses look amazing (some of the capstone ones are like... the entire reason I wanted to go to college in the first place, but I thought I'd have to learn that shit on my own while taking classes to improve my knowledge of authors and writing and stuff), and as far as I can tell, everyone there appears to be nice, which is strange. I'm sure that notion will implode as soon as I step foot on campus as a freshman, but who cares, really? It looks like it'll be a fun time.