The Obscure

Welcome, one and all, to the incongruent ravings of an inferior mind!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

 
I feel as if I've lived each day of my life in an inescapable stupor.

We're all mad here. Quaint saying, isn't it? I'm out of money, I got some paperwork from the disability people today that I suppose I have to fill out by monday morning, maybe, in like another three months, I'll start having money again. I wouldn't count on it, given my luck.
I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled out in a week or so. I guess that's a good thing. One of them is troubling me, so why not just yank out all four, just to be safe?
I feel very lucid right now. It is unfortunate how often lucidity and excrutiating pain go hand in hand. (It is unfortunate that what we find pleasing to the touch and pleasing to the eye are seldom the same.) My concentration does wax and wane a good amount, one second I can focus on anything of my fancy, remember the day, date, year, and time all at once. The next second I forget everything but my first name, and half of the time I get that one wrong, too. Then, the flashbacks. I'll remember some obscure thing that happened to me three years ago, and I'll think, "I wonder what would've happened if I had spoken exactly what was on my mind at that precise moment. How much of my personal history would've changed? How different would I be?"
To my indescribable sorrow there is no way to determine any of those things, save some kind of time machine. But then, I would have to have some version of myself to stand aside and be a casual observer, unaffected by the ravages of time.
I think I have multiple personalities. I think only one of them believes this to be true. It is he who is speaking now.
I am totally fucking crazy. I hate it when I realize how goddamn nuts I am. I'm giving up on living, there is no fucking point to it. I realized this a long time ago, but it has only dawned on me how true it really is now. My life is pointless. Completely and utterly pointless. I help no one, I have no goals to accomplish. All I have are dreams and hard-ass fucking headaches. I'm done trying to be something. It is all pointless.

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