The Obscure

It was a pale grey morning, even the sky looked as if it felt like crying...

Those are the kinds of flowery words I can never pull off right except by accident. It just so happens, that this morning I awoke with those words in my head, and they do seem to match the day nicely, so I figured I would put them to some use; because, after all, if we don't use the gifts of words we sometimes recieve, we will eventuall degenerate to the level of dumb animals. Not that I don't think a lot of humans are dumber than some of the animals I know, or that the occasional quadruped will be far cleverer than us all, but I am not the one to make these judgements. as far as I know, I'm smarter than most animals and would like to remain that way. Whether this is actually true or not, remains to be seen.

Many hours later and much further run over by madness...

It is very late, and four times out of five my fingers don't hit the keys I am aiming for, nevertheless I felt the urge to come here, and unload some of the heavy burdens of my mind until such time as I choose to pick them up again.
I want music, but it is quarter of two in the AM and I think playing music just now would be rather rude. I want percocet, but then I always want that, which isn't really an encouraging thought, but at least I am not sending them up my nose. If there is one thing you can say about me, it's that I know when I am addicted and I know how to get within an inch of destroying my life through that addiction and never cross that line. It appears there are lines everywhere, if you know where to look, and that there are no lines at all, if you look at it from another place. Too unfortunately for the majority of mankind, we choose to acknowledge the lines, and recognize those that don't as madman, bewe accurate on that count or no.
Out of time and out of mind, one should never feel that way about himself, yet I do. Unneccessary to the process, a cog that has no place to fit into the machine, a man worthless not only to himself, but to the rest of poor, pitiable mankind as well.
Soon now, soon, I may find myself eating a nice, rare, hunk of lead. Goodbye Johnny, goodbye johnny's unthinkable incessant pain, goodbye sanity of most of my family (or at least, goodbye to another portion of it.) I wonder what would happen, if I did take that final hideous step in a long succession of hideous steps that have led me to this one. Would I go to heaven? I don't know, I'm not sure I believe in it, there is too much hell and not enough heaven on this earth to thoroughly convince me of it's existence. Hell, now, there is a belief that is impossible to ignore. If you spend your life being utterly miserable and hating yourself and humanity with your every waking breath, then it would just fit that pattern of human existence that once you die, you get to spend an enternity in a worse situation. Then again, I am not so bad a guy, I shouldn't go to hell. At least I think I shouldn't, maybe. And I suppose it stands to reason that if there is an actual hell than somewhere in some time or place, there is an actual heaven; difficult to believe, I know, but I am being as logical as one can when discussing these things.
Oh well, it won't be tonight, at any rate, so I have some time left to ponder the meaning of my existence before I cook myself up a hot lead sandwich; and who knows, between now and then, there may crop up something to live for!