Welcome, one and all, to the incongruent ravings of an inferior mind!
Strange Days Have Found Us...
I went to the Doctor yesterday. Apparently the muscles in my left leg have begun to atrophy, so it is not a simple neurological thing that is wrong with it. He suspects that... well, there isn't any easy way to say this. He suspects there is something wrong with my spinal column, perhaps a growth. It could be that we have been looking in the wrong place for the source of my headaches for a long, long time. If it is cancer, well, it must be pretty slow-acting, because I've been dealing with this for three years, and I do not believe that my headaches and the problems with my leg are not interlinked. My reasons for believing otherwise are quite simple, my leg hurts more when I have a bad headache, it gets flares of pain when my head gets flares of pain. Therefore, the problem with both of them should be one and the same.
As I said, if it is cancer, it is very slow-acting. I am a little concerned that it might be, because my dad got atrophy in some of his muscles and that was the first sign that he had cancer. But if that is indeed what it is (and the chance of that is very low) they should be able to zap it pretty easily, because, as I said, it is slow-acting, whatever it is.
It is a mark of the severity of the situation, though, that I now have a prescription for four ten milligrams percocets a day. Because the doctor said he would never give me more than thirty milligrams a day, and he had to go back on his word in consideration for the amount of pain I am in. I thought that nothing could hurt worse than some of the headaches I have had thus far, I was wrong.
There is a relatively large chance that this will turn out to be a cyst or something benign, because I don't have a lot of the symptoms of cancer, so it would have to be a strange form of it if I had it. If it turns out to be a cyst, there is a good chance that they could just drain it, or remove it, and all my problems would be over.
Whatever it is, something is fucking with the nerve-lines in my spine. I have to get MRIs and go see some neurologist and get an EMG of my leg. If you pray, pray that I will find answers, and that the answers won't be as terrible as they might be. If you don't pray, I would ask that you make an exception, and pray for me anyway.
I am not afraid, I do not think it is my time to die, and I doubt I am going to lose the use of my legs or anything like that; and pain is something I have a very intimate relationship with, so there really is nothing happening here that I can't deal with, but the support of my friends and family would help me get through it, even so. I can no longer walk without a cane, regardless of painkillers, so if you see me I will look weak and enfeebled. That is because I am
weak and enfeebled. I do not have to tell you that I do not like looking that way to anyone, my close friends especially, but right now I have no choice, and what small pride I have I will have to put away for a little while, whilst I deal with this new developement.
I do believe things will work out to be ok, it is just hard not to think pessimistically. I didn't think things could get worse, and they have. The pain is almost more than I can bear, but I have ways of dealing with it. The worser part of this is not knowing what exactly is wrong. I am going to get tests done on friday, I suppose I will post again then with the results. I love you all, and I hope to see you all sometime soon. In light of this recent developement I have realized how much I have isolated myself from my friends. I did it partially out of neccessity, but that is no excuse. I don't know how many people still read this, I decided to post everything here because I didn't want to talk to everybody individually about these matters. I will see you all sometime, hopefully sooner rather than later.
It will probably turn out to be no big deal, so don't worry about me (I don't know if you were going to anyway, haha) I'll be fine.
See you later, large monitor lizards from the Galapagos.